Remember me?

Wow - it seems like forever since I was last jotting something down here, when in reality it's only been like 4-5 months. As I was signing in, I saw the box where you can check for blogger to "remember me?" and that is exactly the thought that crossed my mind. I read some of my own posts and it was as if the person I was back in January were speaking out to me, asking me, "do you remember me?" Well, yeah, I do and hello to you oldself. Hopefully today or tomorrow I'll be able to get in here and let you get aquainted with the new self. ~smiles~ I'm working now, just started a job yesterday, so at night I'm exhausted. But I'll try to update soon.

Hubby and I are doing fine, and hopefully on the road to eternal bliss. ~heh~ Okay, okay..on the road to having back some of that eternal bliss we had before we moved to here to WV. I love that man. :) Times haven't been a complete bed of roses, but they haven't been a bed full of thorns either. Each day is taken for what it is, just today, and I'm enjoying the love and the slight peace that comes with each. I say slight cause I have 4 kiddos yanno, 1 teenager, ~rolling my eyes~ and one soon to be teenager who is Autistic. Yowzers! ~grin~

It feels good to be back. Talk with ya later oldself. ;)

- out

Hell Week

Lord have mercy. *whew* I am so thankful it's Friday.

I feel like I've made it through the infamous Hell Week that Navy Seal recruits go through to try and make it into that elite group of soldiers. I made it through my Hell Week but I can't say that I would ever want to do it again.

Wednesday afternoon hubby came by to see if the kids and I needed anything. I could tell he wasn't having an easy time either, especially when he found out I had already made plans to go home to Texas when school is out and start school myself. I had a feeling from the first that he didn't mean what he was saying, and worried that he was doing it to make life better for me and the kids without him. I was right.

Thursday, I took hubby to the VA and we spent the day together yesterday doing nothing but talking. Real nitty gritty talking, not just the I'm gonna say what you want to hear crap. We left defensiveness and being guarded at the door and really put it all on the table. He felt that he was putting me and the kids through hell and that we would be much better off without him. He has a lot of issues that need to be worked out, but has promised to seek counseling no matter the cost. We have both agreed to set aside a time each day that is devoted strictly to us and for talking about issues, our day, getting to know one another again, etc. I'm willing to try and work this out. I married this man for better or for worse, through sickness and health. I didn't say those words lightly, I knew what I was saying and I meant them. The VA told him the nerve damage in his right arm is extreme. So much has been done to it that at anytime he could lift something that maybe he shouldn't and snap that nerve. He is on the constant verge of losing the use of his right arm. He didn't want me and the kids to have to deal with that if it happens. He has not accepted the disabilities he currently has, so this news was truly overwhelming and he didn't see how I could accept him if he couldn't.

It's Friday and he came home last night. He is sleeping now as I type. Today we are going to find out what the Vet center has to offer as far as weekly counseling. The group thing is a good thing, but I think that is something hubby will have to work into or up to. He's not ready to sit in the middle of other people and talk. But he will some day. I too am going to start going to the significant other's/spouse counseling and group meetings on Mondays. I too need to feel like I'm not alone in all of this. I also joined several online groups for support. There are a lot of women out there with lots of experience and advice and willing to let me lean on them during the really hard times.

I'm not saying that my marriage will ever be picture perfect. I'm not going into this believing that everything will work out as I would like for them to. But I'm not willing to give up just yet.

I'm hanging in because I stood before God and said I would support this man, I would stand beside him through thick and thin, etc. Divorce is too easy, and I'm not going to take the easy road. Now if the deal-breakers get crossed, then that's a different story. But we are giving this a new chance.

I love him, I need him, and he loves, and needs me. Pray for us please.



ps~ Happy 26th Anniversary Dad and P! Love you with all our hearts!

Day 2 - Dawn

Sleeping is frightful at best. I tossed and turned most of the night, always staying on my side of the bed. Its habit, yanno, from years of sharing it with someone. I shy away from sleeping in the middle of his side of the bed. Its too soon. It feels almost like sacrilege to find myself so close to taking over the bed. When R was here, he slept on the left side of the bed. I was always always so very careful not to turn over too close to him and jar his arm or hit it. I would wake up many times a night when I turned over or moved to make sure that I wasn't too close to him and didn't cause him any pain. I still wake up with each and every turn, but he's not there. I wonder how long I will be conscious to his needs though he isn't here.

I got up with the kids and got them off to school. They seem to have bounced back a whole better than I expected. Maybe it's a front. I see the underlying tension and stress in their little faces and their actions with each other. They are trying so hard to be polite and use their manners, but temper tantrums and fights are erupting more often than usual. It is to be expected. They don't understand any more than I do. But just like me, their little lives are going on too even though our home life feels like its stopped and collided with a brick wall.

R didn't call yesterday afternoon, or last night, nor did he show up for the rest of his stuff. I guess he'll get in touch with me in the next couple of days. yay. Just what I need, a constant reopening and salt pouring over my already mangled heart. All I can do is hope that with each time he sees me or talks to me it will hurt him a bit, make him uncomfortable a bit, OPEN HIS EYES to what he is doing to all of us. I'm praying for miracles. I have this inner feeling that this is not over, not by far. I just don't know how much longer I can hold on before I have to make myself break from him and move on. A week, two, three, a month? I don't know. But one morning I will wake up and my heart will say, okay today is the day, enough with this crap. He's gone, he's not coming back, let's kick this in gear and pick up the pieces, we've got stuff to do. It will happen. I just hope it doesn't happen and then he realizes what he has done and wants to come back after I'm already done. I don't go backwards when that happens, I will move forward and that will mean without him.

I was writing in my paper journal yesterday and I said I think one day that R will wake up, he'll want to have the life he promised, and he'll miss us, but I'm scared to death it will be too late. I'm going home when the kids get out of school. I've been in constant contact with my parents this time around. I'm going home and going back to college. This time I will not quit until I graduate. I'm too old to be playing these games of "start my life over" again and again. It's not fair to my kids to drag them through all of this uncertainty and pain. I have to make sure I can take care of them and provide a good life for them no matter what. I don't have the option of finding and relying on a man any longer for promises of a good life, a good marriage, a good anything. I have to do it on my own. Be my own provider, my own security, my own everything.

I don't want to be bitter. But I just don't have much left of myself to give to another person and I just don't want to. I gave more of myself in this relationship in such a short amount of time and its gone. I was and am totally in love with my husband and I don't want to feel this way about another man ever again. I found real true love and it abandoned me. I don't ever want to go through this again.

Pity Party

My strength comes and goes.

It's funny.

One moment I'm looking forward to going back to school and taking care of my family. The next I'm a blubbering mess of tears, snot, and a ripped out heart that looks like hamburger meat. I'm trying to be strong, and I'm trying to put up a big front for the kids. But I find that I can do it for a few minutes and then I fail miserably. Usually its when one of us slips and says, "hey will R be" doing this or that and usually the sentence or question trails off to silence as the speaker realizes that R isn't going to be doing anything anymore.

He came to get his stuff today and gave me money for rent. I told him I don't belong here, and he said yes I do. I dont understand that. I don't belong here without him. He is my only reason for moving and living in WV. So what is up with that? He did tell me that he was sorry, and he didnt want to make this any harder on me than it already was. My heart was ripped out and he took it with him when he left, but thankfully it won't be any harder than it has to be. gee thanks. All sarcasm aside I know what he meant, but what I want is my husband back, my life back, and the life I was promised when I left Texas to come here. Why isn't love enough? More specifically, why isn't MY love enough?

I'll probably cry myself to sleep tonight. Its too raw, too real right now for me to even remotely try to start to put any of it behind me and move on. There are too many pieces of my heart scattered every where to try and start picking them up. Plus, I just dont want to. I dont have the energy to do much of anything but sit around and stare, to cry, to wail, to scream it isnt fair. I dont want to be miserable, I dont want to be angry, I just want to move on if he is really gone, and if he doesn't then God PLEASE bring him back home for good, forever, for keeps.

God why? What did I do wrong? Did I not love him enough? What did I not do that I should have? Would it even have made a difference if I had been perfect?

But it doesn't matter.

He is gone.

Day 1

Well I made it through yesterday afternoon and last night. It wasn't easy but we did it. The kids and I went over to a friends house and had dinner there. It was good for us because it kept us all from thinking about the empty house we came home to.

Got home and got the kids bathed and ready for bed and school, got them down, and then talked to my Stepmom for a very long time. Its good to know that I have someone in my corner who will never turn their back on me and the kids no matter what. Last time left because he "didnt know" how he felt about me and the kids and our life together, I went through it all alone. I didnt call my family and lean on them because I figured he would be back and I didnt want my family to always have that view of him stepping out when things got too overwhelming or rough. But this time I cant do it alone. This time feels more permanent and if that is so then plans have to be made for the kids and my future.

I can't go home right now because I'm flat broke, with no job, and a ton of bills that needed to be caught up on this payday. Now I have to try and find a way to get them all paid because when hubby left so did his pay check. He said he was going to give me the money for the rent today when he gets his unemployment check, and I hope he does. But we will only be paying for January which would still put me owing money on Feb 1st for February. With heating/electric bills as they are and me only getting my child support on the first it is going to be extremely rough and tight around here for awhile. But for some reason I'm really not worried. I prayed last night and gave it all to God. There is nothing more I can do than to give it to Him. I can't change hubby's mind, I can't heal/cure him, I can't make him want me and the kids. But I can move forward and take care of my kids, who are my top priority.

Dont get me wrong, I love hubby with all my heart. But I cant make someone want to be with me. I can't change the way he looks at me with hate and disgust. I can't hold onto him and hope that some day he will care for me as I do him. I love him too much for that. I've gone through too much with him in such a short amount of time, from leaving everything I know and had to be with him and make a life here in WV, to sitting beside his hospital bed in ICU and praying to God that he would live. I never thought I would have gone through so many times of almost losing him to death, an almost losing him from life, to it actually happening. But there's nothing I can do but watch him go. I just hope and pray that some day he can find some peace and find a way to be happy. I love him that much.

So like the song Dont cry for me Argentina, Don't cry for me blogosphere. :) I'm one tough strong cookie, and I'll be alright. Its gonna be rough for a little bit and picking up the pieces of a broken heart are never easy, but in the end I'll be tougher and stronger and be a better Mom/person for it all.

The light in the tunnel was a Train

Jeez...I never saw today coming. I had a feeling something was not right but I couldn't have prophecied today.

Hubby basically told me that he felt he "had to be here", he felt forced to be here because he brought us from Texas to WV and hoped that once we got here things would get better. He said he loved me once and thought he could get that back in time, but we just cant work things out. There is too much fussing and fighting going on for him to deal with. So he's gone.

This isn't the first time, but its the last time. He told me today if he walked out the door he wasn't coming back. He walked, so I guess that's it. Three years of love, fear for his life, and commitment just walked out the door as easy as you please. And once again the kids and I are left to pick up the pieces, but this time 1500 miles away from the closest family member.

life really sucks sometimes.

OKay okay I boohooo'd the other day, and now I feel a bit better. I go through these days where I feel like, okay I can handle this today bring it on, and then the next I'm a blubbering mass of tears, snot, and what the hell am I here for? thinking. I'm going to start going to a group meeting for spouse's who live with PTSD on Monday. I think it could quite possibly be my sanity, and help me as I help him try to get through this. I also joined some online support group sites and they have been a tremendous help already. Its amazing how just knowing there is someone out there in your shoes can help you pick up the pieces again, or at least want to.

I started my tanning sessions yesterday to. So far I went yesterday and today and thankfully the beds haven't burned my styrofoam white arse just yet. I started out with 10 mins yesterday and went 15 today. I know I know, getting a litle brave early. I can't help it. I've missed my sun! Gotta have that vitamin D and those UV rays. *heh* I already feel better. Yes I know this is all in my head and there probably is no way that in two tanning sessions I could already be feeling the "benefits", but yanno what? Its all about my head anyway, and if I can persuade my head to "think" good things are happening, then more power to me, right? *heh*

I want to thank Rhianna for her comment on my melt down post. I truly truly do appreciate all that you said there. I know you are all out there and I also know that no matter what your current status is, once military always military. I was just feeling so dang disconnected. I think life would have been easier, or at least the transition into civilian life if we had spent more time around Ft. Hood before moving here to Blfd. But we didnt have time for that. So it was a shock to the system to go from having been military and being around it for the past 15 yrs, to nothing at all, not even someone standing in line at McDonald's in BDU's. It was completely and totally weird. Now when I see someone in uniform I want to rush up to them and just hug them. *heh* The mental pic of that cracks me up. But I'm sure you understand what I mean.

kylz - You are such a sweetheart and thank you for your comment too. No hon its sure not fair, and I have to remember for every thing I'm going through and trying to deal with hubby's is so much more worse and pronounced. We are doing the best we can, and like I said above, I'm going to start that group meeting on Monday. I think that would really help. Who knows. Maybe I can find some other spouses' dealing with these issues and have people to actually go have lunch with and do things with, etc. That would be nice for a change.

Wish you ladies were here, or I was there...either way would be good. *heh* But thankfully I am doing A LOT better today, I even have a smile on my face.

Another tidbit of info. Hubby and I seriously tossed around the idea of me enlisting in the Army. I can imagine how this might sound crazy to a lot of people but for us it kind of makes sense. We both miss it severely. Hubby thinks it might help him to be around it even if he cant be an integral part of a unit anymore. I think it would help him too. It would get us out of here, and allow me a chance to finally fulfill my dream of wearing the uniform again and being a part of something so much bigger than we are. Its an honorable profession no matter who the president is or what the issues are, or what the geographical specifics are for where are guys and gals have to be. I called a recruiter yesterday. All the elgibility factors that I thought would keep me out are no longer factors. The age limit has been raised, not that it mattered in my case. I still had a year before I would have hit my cut off. And if I go back in my income and my military status would not have any impact on hubby's VA benefits, both medical and monetary. Its kind of a win-win situation.

Until you factor in Iraq. I know I would have to go. As sure as I breathe, if I sign on that dotted line, I will go to Iraq. How do I feel about that? Amazingly I'm not afraid. Maybe because it's not a real reality for me just yet, but seriously the idea of going doesn't scare me. Do I want to die and am I afraid of dying? No, not really. I know where I'm going if its my turn and there is comfort in that. I came to realize a very serious and potent fact while hubby was in Iraq. If its my time, its my time, it doesn't matter what soil my boots are planted on. I can't change the circumstances that will mean my end. They have already been written and were so before I ever took my first breath in this world. I know God is with me, and loves me. And I'm in constant contact with Him about His guidance in this decision.

I worry about the kids though. Is it fair to them to put them through Iraq a third time? First it was hubby who went and that was hard on them. It was the first time they were faced with fearing for someone's life that they loved. They didnt really understand death or what it really means, but they were getting a good idea. Then he was wounded and sent home. They have been dealing with his disabilities, his difficulties, and his PTSD ever since. Then their own father deployed to Iraq, 2 months after hubby came home. They aren't very close to him because he doesn't put forth a real effort to be anything other than an aquaintance, but it was still a heavy burden on them because they worried for his safety. I am the one person who has been here for them through every scrape, boo-boo, good time and bad. I'm the one they count on when they can't count on anyone else. If I went it would put a tremendous strain on them. There in lies my problem with doing this. I dont know that I can put them through it all again, no matter how good it might be for me and hubby. This is one I'm just giving to God and praying for His guidance on.

Okay enough about that...been serious long enough today. *deep breath*

Yesterday morning we woke up to snow falling like a blizzard. Within 45 mins the entire ground was covered in white. I took a picture of the neighbor's shed and part of our yard. The temp was 27 degrees and really didn't raise too much higher for the rest of the day.



Here is the same shed this morning. I swear the only difference between this weather and Texas is that the white stuff falls on a regular basis here, where as it's rare to fall where we lived there.



This is all that is left of yesterday's 'blizzard'. *heh*



Now I know why my sinus' hate me here. *lol*

Oops - I did it again

I have to say the past couple of days I have felt like I was on the edge of tears. That symptom of hearing a song on the radio or having dealt with so much that my cup was running over and I thought oh gawd - I can't be pmsing already! No - it wasn't PMS, more like PTSD. My cup ranneth over, I dropped my marbles, the lights were on and only the loony was home. I sat here at the computer searching out google for some kind of support group for spouses who live with PTSD. I had to. I was feeling completely and totally alone.

Quite honestly I dont know where I belong anymore. We are no longer active duty. That wasnt our choice, it was ripped away from us by a War fought in a big sand box. We aren't civilians and frankly dont want to be. You cant be a civilian after you've been a Soldier, once a Soldier always a Soldier, and we have both served time doing that. I feel disconnected and caught in the middle of two worlds that I dont belong to. There is no one here I can talk to because most people here have never had to deal with a deployment muchless a loved one at War, nor do they have to live with PTSD or ever been exposed to it.

I was crying big ole fat crocodile tears again, standing in the living room telling hubby why I was crying and trying so hard to watch what I said because I dont want him to feel guilty for yet something else I'm going through because of Iraq. And he did, of course he did, and I do - there is enough guilt in this house to drown us! Its like crap! You could roll each of us in the guilt in this house and grow another one of us like miracle grow! He has survivor's guilt because he came home, and then he feels guilt because he was sent home medically before the rest of the guys came home, and he feels guilty because he cant go back over there or be a Soldier anymore. I feel guilty because some days I dont know how to deal with his PTSD and his mood swings, I feel guilty because some days I just dont want to anymore. I feel guilty because I feel like we've both been cheated out of the white picket fence dream and a happy life. He feels cheated that he cant use his arms and be a mechanic anymore. We both feel guilty because sometimes we both agree that it might have been best if he had not come home. His reason because he feels the kids and I dont deserve what he's putting us through and me because I hate watching him suffer through a life that he just does not want to except. Iraq changed us both and we feel guilty for that. Guilt - guilt - guilt. *choke - gag - choke* I could go on and on and on but what is the point? It doesn't go away or heal by spelling it out. It doesn't stop choking the life out of our relationship and each other.

I feel useless and helpless and utterly frustrated. Just as he does. I want him to be happy, to find a purpose and a place to belong and to dream again. Just as he does for me. I want peace and quiet and smiles and laughter and the friend and lover and husband who left for Iraq. Just as he does. So why can't we meet in the middle on these?

have you ever been so lost and so unsure of your direction that even if you had a map you'd still be lost? that's us.

I have PTSD. I wont get into the particulars, but people can have it without ever having been in a combat situation. I experienced childhood trauma that my PTSD stems from, but hubby's PTSD has further triggered it to worsen by degrees. I wake up several times a night to check on where he is. If he's not in the bed, for whatever reason - cant' sleep etc, I wake up and I have to find him before I can go back to sleep. This is from living in fear of his life while he was in Iraq and having nightmares almost nightly that he wouldn't come home and waking up to an empty bed. If he is in the bed, I still wake up several times a night to make sure he is breathing. This is from when he overdosed on his meds and ended up in ICU at Thanksgiving on a bipap machine that forced his lungs to breathe for 16 hrs before he could breathe on his own. The smallest sound wakes me up because I have to make sure he is alright, the kids are alright, everyone is alright. I am constantly on guard of what I say, and walk on eggshells around him if his moods are iffy or just plain out there. I am battle weary of hateful and cruel comments. I have the 1000yd stare because of said hateful and cruel comments and irrational behavior on his part. I can hear a song on the radio that I used to listen to when he was in Iraq and I have flashbacks. Its like I'm sitting right there at that exact time and place that I heard it while he was gone and I'm locked in that moment, and all I can do is cry. I have the overwhelming feeling that he is STILL there. I STILL feel like he hasn't come home even though he sits in front of me day after day.

Iraq is still a part of my day to day life and I want it to stop.

I dont think it ever will.

Yep, I did it again..I dropped my marbles and sometimes, just like hubby, I dont care if I ever pick them all back up again. It's tiring.


I never set foot in Iraq, but boy oh boy has it fark'd me up royal.