Oops - I did it again

I have to say the past couple of days I have felt like I was on the edge of tears. That symptom of hearing a song on the radio or having dealt with so much that my cup was running over and I thought oh gawd - I can't be pmsing already! No - it wasn't PMS, more like PTSD. My cup ranneth over, I dropped my marbles, the lights were on and only the loony was home. I sat here at the computer searching out google for some kind of support group for spouses who live with PTSD. I had to. I was feeling completely and totally alone.

Quite honestly I dont know where I belong anymore. We are no longer active duty. That wasnt our choice, it was ripped away from us by a War fought in a big sand box. We aren't civilians and frankly dont want to be. You cant be a civilian after you've been a Soldier, once a Soldier always a Soldier, and we have both served time doing that. I feel disconnected and caught in the middle of two worlds that I dont belong to. There is no one here I can talk to because most people here have never had to deal with a deployment muchless a loved one at War, nor do they have to live with PTSD or ever been exposed to it.

I was crying big ole fat crocodile tears again, standing in the living room telling hubby why I was crying and trying so hard to watch what I said because I dont want him to feel guilty for yet something else I'm going through because of Iraq. And he did, of course he did, and I do - there is enough guilt in this house to drown us! Its like crap! You could roll each of us in the guilt in this house and grow another one of us like miracle grow! He has survivor's guilt because he came home, and then he feels guilt because he was sent home medically before the rest of the guys came home, and he feels guilty because he cant go back over there or be a Soldier anymore. I feel guilty because some days I dont know how to deal with his PTSD and his mood swings, I feel guilty because some days I just dont want to anymore. I feel guilty because I feel like we've both been cheated out of the white picket fence dream and a happy life. He feels cheated that he cant use his arms and be a mechanic anymore. We both feel guilty because sometimes we both agree that it might have been best if he had not come home. His reason because he feels the kids and I dont deserve what he's putting us through and me because I hate watching him suffer through a life that he just does not want to except. Iraq changed us both and we feel guilty for that. Guilt - guilt - guilt. *choke - gag - choke* I could go on and on and on but what is the point? It doesn't go away or heal by spelling it out. It doesn't stop choking the life out of our relationship and each other.

I feel useless and helpless and utterly frustrated. Just as he does. I want him to be happy, to find a purpose and a place to belong and to dream again. Just as he does for me. I want peace and quiet and smiles and laughter and the friend and lover and husband who left for Iraq. Just as he does. So why can't we meet in the middle on these?

have you ever been so lost and so unsure of your direction that even if you had a map you'd still be lost? that's us.

I have PTSD. I wont get into the particulars, but people can have it without ever having been in a combat situation. I experienced childhood trauma that my PTSD stems from, but hubby's PTSD has further triggered it to worsen by degrees. I wake up several times a night to check on where he is. If he's not in the bed, for whatever reason - cant' sleep etc, I wake up and I have to find him before I can go back to sleep. This is from living in fear of his life while he was in Iraq and having nightmares almost nightly that he wouldn't come home and waking up to an empty bed. If he is in the bed, I still wake up several times a night to make sure he is breathing. This is from when he overdosed on his meds and ended up in ICU at Thanksgiving on a bipap machine that forced his lungs to breathe for 16 hrs before he could breathe on his own. The smallest sound wakes me up because I have to make sure he is alright, the kids are alright, everyone is alright. I am constantly on guard of what I say, and walk on eggshells around him if his moods are iffy or just plain out there. I am battle weary of hateful and cruel comments. I have the 1000yd stare because of said hateful and cruel comments and irrational behavior on his part. I can hear a song on the radio that I used to listen to when he was in Iraq and I have flashbacks. Its like I'm sitting right there at that exact time and place that I heard it while he was gone and I'm locked in that moment, and all I can do is cry. I have the overwhelming feeling that he is STILL there. I STILL feel like he hasn't come home even though he sits in front of me day after day.

Iraq is still a part of my day to day life and I want it to stop.

I dont think it ever will.

Yep, I did it again..I dropped my marbles and sometimes, just like hubby, I dont care if I ever pick them all back up again. It's tiring.


I never set foot in Iraq, but boy oh boy has it fark'd me up royal.