Pity Party

My strength comes and goes.

It's funny.

One moment I'm looking forward to going back to school and taking care of my family. The next I'm a blubbering mess of tears, snot, and a ripped out heart that looks like hamburger meat. I'm trying to be strong, and I'm trying to put up a big front for the kids. But I find that I can do it for a few minutes and then I fail miserably. Usually its when one of us slips and says, "hey will R be" doing this or that and usually the sentence or question trails off to silence as the speaker realizes that R isn't going to be doing anything anymore.

He came to get his stuff today and gave me money for rent. I told him I don't belong here, and he said yes I do. I dont understand that. I don't belong here without him. He is my only reason for moving and living in WV. So what is up with that? He did tell me that he was sorry, and he didnt want to make this any harder on me than it already was. My heart was ripped out and he took it with him when he left, but thankfully it won't be any harder than it has to be. gee thanks. All sarcasm aside I know what he meant, but what I want is my husband back, my life back, and the life I was promised when I left Texas to come here. Why isn't love enough? More specifically, why isn't MY love enough?

I'll probably cry myself to sleep tonight. Its too raw, too real right now for me to even remotely try to start to put any of it behind me and move on. There are too many pieces of my heart scattered every where to try and start picking them up. Plus, I just dont want to. I dont have the energy to do much of anything but sit around and stare, to cry, to wail, to scream it isnt fair. I dont want to be miserable, I dont want to be angry, I just want to move on if he is really gone, and if he doesn't then God PLEASE bring him back home for good, forever, for keeps.

God why? What did I do wrong? Did I not love him enough? What did I not do that I should have? Would it even have made a difference if I had been perfect?

But it doesn't matter.

He is gone.