Texas Oh Texas

Remember me?

2006-05-02T06:27:00.000-07:00

Wow - it seems like forever since I was last jotting something down here, when in reality it's only been like 4-5 months. As I was signing in, I saw the box where you can check for blogger to "remember me?" and that is exactly the thought that crossed my mind. I read some of my own posts and it was as if the person I was back in January were speaking out to me, asking me, "do you remember me?" Well, yeah, I do and hello to you oldself. Hopefully today or tomorrow I'll be able to get in here and let you get aquainted with the new self. ~smiles~ I'm working now, just started a job yesterday, so at night I'm exhausted. But I'll try to update soon.

Hubby and I are doing fine, and hopefully on the road to eternal bliss. ~heh~ Okay, okay..on the road to having back some of that eternal bliss we had before we moved to here to WV. I love that man. :) Times haven't been a complete bed of roses, but they haven't been a bed full of thorns either. Each day is taken for what it is, just today, and I'm enjoying the love and the slight peace that comes with each. I say slight cause I have 4 kiddos yanno, 1 teenager, ~rolling my eyes~ and one soon to be teenager who is Autistic. Yowzers! ~grin~

It feels good to be back. Talk with ya later oldself. ;)

- out

Hell Week

2006-01-27T08:53:00.000-08:00

Lord have mercy. *whew* I am so thankful it's Friday.

I feel like I've made it through the infamous Hell Week that Navy Seal recruits go through to try and make it into that elite group of soldiers. I made it through my Hell Week but I can't say that I would ever want to do it again.

Wednesday afternoon hubby came by to see if the kids and I needed anything. I could tell he wasn't having an easy time either, especially when he found out I had already made plans to go home to Texas when school is out and start school myself. I had a feeling from the first that he didn't mean what he was saying, and worried that he was doing it to make life better for me and the kids without him. I was right.

Thursday, I took hubby to the VA and we spent the day together yesterday doing nothing but talking. Real nitty gritty talking, not just the I'm gonna say what you want to hear crap. We left defensiveness and being guarded at the door and really put it all on the table. He felt that he was putting me and the kids through hell and that we would be much better off without him. He has a lot of issues that need to be worked out, but has promised to seek counseling no matter the cost. We have both agreed to set aside a time each day that is devoted strictly to us and for talking about issues, our day, getting to know one another again, etc. I'm willing to try and work this out. I married this man for better or for worse, through sickness and health. I didn't say those words lightly, I knew what I was saying and I meant them. The VA told him the nerve damage in his right arm is extreme. So much has been done to it that at anytime he could lift something that maybe he shouldn't and snap that nerve. He is on the constant verge of losing the use of his right arm. He didn't want me and the kids to have to deal with that if it happens. He has not accepted the disabilities he currently has, so this news was truly overwhelming and he didn't see how I could accept him if he couldn't.

It's Friday and he came home last night. He is sleeping now as I type. Today we are going to find out what the Vet center has to offer as far as weekly counseling. The group thing is a good thing, but I think that is something hubby will have to work into or up to. He's not ready to sit in the middle of other people and talk. But he will some day. I too am going to start going to the significant other's/spouse counseling and group meetings on Mondays. I too need to feel like I'm not alone in all of this. I also joined several online groups for support. There are a lot of women out there with lots of experience and advice and willing to let me lean on them during the really hard times.

I'm not saying that my marriage will ever be picture perfect. I'm not going into this believing that everything will work out as I would like for them to. But I'm not willing to give up just yet.

I'm hanging in because I stood before God and said I would support this man, I would stand beside him through thick and thin, etc. Divorce is too easy, and I'm not going to take the easy road. Now if the deal-breakers get crossed, then that's a different story. But we are giving this a new chance.

I love him, I need him, and he loves, and needs me. Pray for us please.

ps~ Happy 26th Anniversary Dad and P! Love you with all our hearts!

Day 2 - Dawn

2006-01-25T07:54:00.000-08:00

Sleeping is frightful at best. I tossed and turned most of the night, always staying on my side of the bed. Its habit, yanno, from years of sharing it with someone. I shy away from sleeping in the middle of his side of the bed. Its too soon. It feels almost like sacrilege to find myself so close to taking over the bed. When R was here, he slept on the left side of the bed. I was always always so very careful not to turn over too close to him and jar his arm or hit it. I would wake up many times a night when I turned over or moved to make sure that I wasn't too close to him and didn't cause him any pain. I still wake up with each and every turn, but he's not there. I wonder how long I will be conscious to his needs though he isn't here.

I got up with the kids and got them off to school. They seem to have bounced back a whole better than I expected. Maybe it's a front. I see the underlying tension and stress in their little faces and their actions with each other. They are trying so hard to be polite and use their manners, but temper tantrums and fights are erupting more often than usual. It is to be expected. They don't understand any more than I do. But just like me, their little lives are going on too even though our home life feels like its stopped and collided with a brick wall.

R didn't call yesterday afternoon, or last night, nor did he show up for the rest of his stuff. I guess he'll get in touch with me in the next couple of days. yay. Just what I need, a constant reopening and salt pouring over my already mangled heart. All I can do is hope that with each time he sees me or talks to me it will hurt him a bit, make him uncomfortable a bit, OPEN HIS EYES to what he is doing to all of us. I'm praying for miracles. I have this inner feeling that this is not over, not by far. I just don't know how much longer I can hold on before I have to make myself break from him and move on. A week, two, three, a month? I don't know. But one morning I will wake up and my heart will say, okay today is the day, enough with this crap. He's gone, he's not coming back, let's kick this in gear and pick up the pieces, we've got stuff to do. It will happen. I just hope it doesn't happen and then he realizes what he has done and wants to come back after I'm already done. I don't go backwards when that happens, I will move forward and that will mean without him.

I was writing in my paper journal yesterday and I said I think one day that R will wake up, he'll want to have the life he promised, and he'll miss us, but I'm scared to death it will be too late. I'm going home when the kids get out of school. I've been in constant contact with my parents this time around. I'm going home and going back to college. This time I will not quit until I graduate. I'm too old to be playing these games of "start my life over" again and again. It's not fair to my kids to drag them through all of this uncertainty and pain. I have to make sure I can take care of them and provide a good life for them no matter what. I don't have the option of finding and relying on a man any longer for promises of a good life, a good marriage, a good anything. I have to do it on my own. Be my own provider, my own security, my own everything.

I don't want to be bitter. But I just don't have much left of myself to give to another person and I just don't want to. I gave more of myself in this relationship in such a short amount of time and its gone. I was and am totally in love with my husband and I don't want to feel this way about another man ever again. I found real true love and it abandoned me. I don't ever want to go through this again.

Pity Party

2006-01-24T18:28:00.000-08:00

My strength comes and goes.

It's funny.

One moment I'm looking forward to going back to school and taking care of my family. The next I'm a blubbering mess of tears, snot, and a ripped out heart that looks like hamburger meat. I'm trying to be strong, and I'm trying to put up a big front for the kids. But I find that I can do it for a few minutes and then I fail miserably. Usually its when one of us slips and says, "hey will R be" doing this or that and usually the sentence or question trails off to silence as the speaker realizes that R isn't going to be doing anything anymore.

He came to get his stuff today and gave me money for rent. I told him I don't belong here, and he said yes I do. I dont understand that. I don't belong here without him. He is my only reason for moving and living in WV. So what is up with that? He did tell me that he was sorry, and he didnt want to make this any harder on me than it already was. My heart was ripped out and he took it with him when he left, but thankfully it won't be any harder than it has to be. gee thanks. All sarcasm aside I know what he meant, but what I want is my husband back, my life back, and the life I was promised when I left Texas to come here. Why isn't love enough? More specifically, why isn't MY love enough?

I'll probably cry myself to sleep tonight. Its too raw, too real right now for me to even remotely try to start to put any of it behind me and move on. There are too many pieces of my heart scattered every where to try and start picking them up. Plus, I just dont want to. I dont have the energy to do much of anything but sit around and stare, to cry, to wail, to scream it isnt fair. I dont want to be miserable, I dont want to be angry, I just want to move on if he is really gone, and if he doesn't then God PLEASE bring him back home for good, forever, for keeps.

God why? What did I do wrong? Did I not love him enough? What did I not do that I should have? Would it even have made a difference if I had been perfect?

But it doesn't matter.

He is gone.

Day 1

2006-01-24T07:54:00.000-08:00

Well I made it through yesterday afternoon and last night. It wasn't easy but we did it. The kids and I went over to a friends house and had dinner there. It was good for us because it kept us all from thinking about the empty house we came home to.

Got home and got the kids bathed and ready for bed and school, got them down, and then talked to my Stepmom for a very long time. Its good to know that I have someone in my corner who will never turn their back on me and the kids no matter what. Last time left because he "didnt know" how he felt about me and the kids and our life together, I went through it all alone. I didnt call my family and lean on them because I figured he would be back and I didnt want my family to always have that view of him stepping out when things got too overwhelming or rough. But this time I cant do it alone. This time feels more permanent and if that is so then plans have to be made for the kids and my future.

I can't go home right now because I'm flat broke, with no job, and a ton of bills that needed to be caught up on this payday. Now I have to try and find a way to get them all paid because when hubby left so did his pay check. He said he was going to give me the money for the rent today when he gets his unemployment check, and I hope he does. But we will only be paying for January which would still put me owing money on Feb 1st for February. With heating/electric bills as they are and me only getting my child support on the first it is going to be extremely rough and tight around here for awhile. But for some reason I'm really not worried. I prayed last night and gave it all to God. There is nothing more I can do than to give it to Him. I can't change hubby's mind, I can't heal/cure him, I can't make him want me and the kids. But I can move forward and take care of my kids, who are my top priority.

Dont get me wrong, I love hubby with all my heart. But I cant make someone want to be with me. I can't change the way he looks at me with hate and disgust. I can't hold onto him and hope that some day he will care for me as I do him. I love him too much for that. I've gone through too much with him in such a short amount of time, from leaving everything I know and had to be with him and make a life here in WV, to sitting beside his hospital bed in ICU and praying to God that he would live. I never thought I would have gone through so many times of almost losing him to death, an almost losing him from life, to it actually happening. But there's nothing I can do but watch him go. I just hope and pray that some day he can find some peace and find a way to be happy. I love him that much.

So like the song Dont cry for me Argentina, Don't cry for me blogosphere. :) I'm one tough strong cookie, and I'll be alright. Its gonna be rough for a little bit and picking up the pieces of a broken heart are never easy, but in the end I'll be tougher and stronger and be a better Mom/person for it all.

The light in the tunnel was a Train

2006-01-23T19:36:00.000-08:00

Jeez...I never saw today coming. I had a feeling something was not right but I couldn't have prophecied today.

Hubby basically told me that he felt he "had to be here", he felt forced to be here because he brought us from Texas to WV and hoped that once we got here things would get better. He said he loved me once and thought he could get that back in time, but we just cant work things out. There is too much fussing and fighting going on for him to deal with. So he's gone.

This isn't the first time, but its the last time. He told me today if he walked out the door he wasn't coming back. He walked, so I guess that's it. Three years of love, fear for his life, and commitment just walked out the door as easy as you please. And once again the kids and I are left to pick up the pieces, but this time 1500 miles away from the closest family member.

life really sucks sometimes.

2006-01-19T13:02:00.000-08:00

OKay okay I boohooo'd the other day, and now I feel a bit better. I go through these days where I feel like, okay I can handle this today bring it on, and then the next I'm a blubbering mass of tears, snot, and what the hell am I here for? thinking. I'm going to start going to a group meeting for spouse's who live with PTSD on Monday. I think it could quite possibly be my sanity, and help me as I help him try to get through this. I also joined some online support group sites and they have been a tremendous help already. Its amazing how just knowing there is someone out there in your shoes can help you pick up the pieces again, or at least want to.

I started my tanning sessions yesterday to. So far I went yesterday and today and thankfully the beds haven't burned my styrofoam white arse just yet. I started out with 10 mins yesterday and went 15 today. I know I know, getting a litle brave early. I can't help it. I've missed my sun! Gotta have that vitamin D and those UV rays. *heh* I already feel better. Yes I know this is all in my head and there probably is no way that in two tanning sessions I could already be feeling the "benefits", but yanno what? Its all about my head anyway, and if I can persuade my head to "think" good things are happening, then more power to me, right? *heh*

I want to thank Rhianna for her comment on my melt down post. I truly truly do appreciate all that you said there. I know you are all out there and I also know that no matter what your current status is, once military always military. I was just feeling so dang disconnected. I think life would have been easier, or at least the transition into civilian life if we had spent more time around Ft. Hood before moving here to Blfd. But we didnt have time for that. So it was a shock to the system to go from having been military and being around it for the past 15 yrs, to nothing at all, not even someone standing in line at McDonald's in BDU's. It was completely and totally weird. Now when I see someone in uniform I want to rush up to them and just hug them. *heh* The mental pic of that cracks me up. But I'm sure you understand what I mean.

kylz - You are such a sweetheart and thank you for your comment too. No hon its sure not fair, and I have to remember for every thing I'm going through and trying to deal with hubby's is so much more worse and pronounced. We are doing the best we can, and like I said above, I'm going to start that group meeting on Monday. I think that would really help. Who knows. Maybe I can find some other spouses' dealing with these issues and have people to actually go have lunch with and do things with, etc. That would be nice for a change.

Wish you ladies were here, or I was there...either way would be good. *heh* But thankfully I am doing A LOT better today, I even have a smile on my face.

Another tidbit of info. Hubby and I seriously tossed around the idea of me enlisting in the Army. I can imagine how this might sound crazy to a lot of people but for us it kind of makes sense. We both miss it severely. Hubby thinks it might help him to be around it even if he cant be an integral part of a unit anymore. I think it would help him too. It would get us out of here, and allow me a chance to finally fulfill my dream of wearing the uniform again and being a part of something so much bigger than we are. Its an honorable profession no matter who the president is or what the issues are, or what the geographical specifics are for where are guys and gals have to be. I called a recruiter yesterday. All the elgibility factors that I thought would keep me out are no longer factors. The age limit has been raised, not that it mattered in my case. I still had a year before I would have hit my cut off. And if I go back in my income and my military status would not have any impact on hubby's VA benefits, both medical and monetary. Its kind of a win-win situation.

Until you factor in Iraq. I know I would have to go. As sure as I breathe, if I sign on that dotted line, I will go to Iraq. How do I feel about that? Amazingly I'm not afraid. Maybe because it's not a real reality for me just yet, but seriously the idea of going doesn't scare me. Do I want to die and am I afraid of dying? No, not really. I know where I'm going if its my turn and there is comfort in that. I came to realize a very serious and potent fact while hubby was in Iraq. If its my time, its my time, it doesn't matter what soil my boots are planted on. I can't change the circumstances that will mean my end. They have already been written and were so before I ever took my first breath in this world. I know God is with me, and loves me. And I'm in constant contact with Him about His guidance in this decision.

I worry about the kids though. Is it fair to them to put them through Iraq a third time? First it was hubby who went and that was hard on them. It was the first time they were faced with fearing for someone's life that they loved. They didnt really understand death or what it really means, but they were getting a good idea. Then he was wounded and sent home. They have been dealing with his disabilities, his difficulties, and his PTSD ever since. Then their own father deployed to Iraq, 2 months after hubby came home. They aren't very close to him because he doesn't put forth a real effort to be anything other than an aquaintance, but it was still a heavy burden on them because they worried for his safety. I am the one person who has been here for them through every scrape, boo-boo, good time and bad. I'm the one they count on when they can't count on anyone else. If I went it would put a tremendous strain on them. There in lies my problem with doing this. I dont know that I can put them through it all again, no matter how good it might be for me and hubby. This is one I'm just giving to God and praying for His guidance on.

Okay enough about that...been serious long enough today. *deep breath*

Yesterday morning we woke up to snow falling like a blizzard. Within 45 mins the entire ground was covered in white. I took a picture of the neighbor's shed and part of our yard. The temp was 27 degrees and really didn't raise too much higher for the rest of the day.

Here is the same shed this morning. I swear the only difference between this weather and Texas is that the white stuff falls on a regular basis here, where as it's rare to fall where we lived there.

This is all that is left of yesterday's 'blizzard'. *heh*

Now I know why my sinus' hate me here. *lol*

Oops - I did it again

2006-01-17T23:02:00.000-08:00

I have to say the past couple of days I have felt like I was on the edge of tears. That symptom of hearing a song on the radio or having dealt with so much that my cup was running over and I thought oh gawd - I can't be pmsing already! No - it wasn't PMS, more like PTSD. My cup ranneth over, I dropped my marbles, the lights were on and only the loony was home. I sat here at the computer searching out google for some kind of support group for spouses who live with PTSD. I had to. I was feeling completely and totally alone.

Quite honestly I dont know where I belong anymore. We are no longer active duty. That wasnt our choice, it was ripped away from us by a War fought in a big sand box. We aren't civilians and frankly dont want to be. You cant be a civilian after you've been a Soldier, once a Soldier always a Soldier, and we have both served time doing that. I feel disconnected and caught in the middle of two worlds that I dont belong to. There is no one here I can talk to because most people here have never had to deal with a deployment muchless a loved one at War, nor do they have to live with PTSD or ever been exposed to it.

I was crying big ole fat crocodile tears again, standing in the living room telling hubby why I was crying and trying so hard to watch what I said because I dont want him to feel guilty for yet something else I'm going through because of Iraq. And he did, of course he did, and I do - there is enough guilt in this house to drown us! Its like crap! You could roll each of us in the guilt in this house and grow another one of us like miracle grow! He has survivor's guilt because he came home, and then he feels guilt because he was sent home medically before the rest of the guys came home, and he feels guilty because he cant go back over there or be a Soldier anymore. I feel guilty because some days I dont know how to deal with his PTSD and his mood swings, I feel guilty because some days I just dont want to anymore. I feel guilty because I feel like we've both been cheated out of the white picket fence dream and a happy life. He feels cheated that he cant use his arms and be a mechanic anymore. We both feel guilty because sometimes we both agree that it might have been best if he had not come home. His reason because he feels the kids and I dont deserve what he's putting us through and me because I hate watching him suffer through a life that he just does not want to except. Iraq changed us both and we feel guilty for that. Guilt - guilt - guilt. *choke - gag - choke* I could go on and on and on but what is the point? It doesn't go away or heal by spelling it out. It doesn't stop choking the life out of our relationship and each other.

I feel useless and helpless and utterly frustrated. Just as he does. I want him to be happy, to find a purpose and a place to belong and to dream again. Just as he does for me. I want peace and quiet and smiles and laughter and the friend and lover and husband who left for Iraq. Just as he does. So why can't we meet in the middle on these?

have you ever been so lost and so unsure of your direction that even if you had a map you'd still be lost? that's us.

I have PTSD. I wont get into the particulars, but people can have it without ever having been in a combat situation. I experienced childhood trauma that my PTSD stems from, but hubby's PTSD has further triggered it to worsen by degrees. I wake up several times a night to check on where he is. If he's not in the bed, for whatever reason - cant' sleep etc, I wake up and I have to find him before I can go back to sleep. This is from living in fear of his life while he was in Iraq and having nightmares almost nightly that he wouldn't come home and waking up to an empty bed. If he is in the bed, I still wake up several times a night to make sure he is breathing. This is from when he overdosed on his meds and ended up in ICU at Thanksgiving on a bipap machine that forced his lungs to breathe for 16 hrs before he could breathe on his own. The smallest sound wakes me up because I have to make sure he is alright, the kids are alright, everyone is alright. I am constantly on guard of what I say, and walk on eggshells around him if his moods are iffy or just plain out there. I am battle weary of hateful and cruel comments. I have the 1000yd stare because of said hateful and cruel comments and irrational behavior on his part. I can hear a song on the radio that I used to listen to when he was in Iraq and I have flashbacks. Its like I'm sitting right there at that exact time and place that I heard it while he was gone and I'm locked in that moment, and all I can do is cry. I have the overwhelming feeling that he is STILL there. I STILL feel like he hasn't come home even though he sits in front of me day after day.

Iraq is still a part of my day to day life and I want it to stop.

I dont think it ever will.

Yep, I did it again..I dropped my marbles and sometimes, just like hubby, I dont care if I ever pick them all back up again. It's tiring.

I never set foot in Iraq, but boy oh boy has it fark'd me up royal.

Cabin Fever

2006-01-16T21:42:00.000-08:00

With today being a holiday and the past couple of days being snow days, the kids hit their highest point of cabin fever and we told'em to get out! *heh* and so they did! They headed down to the creek, which is only 25-30 yards from the house, to play and of course get muddy beyond all get out. *heh* The boy in the tan is Clothesline the oldest at 13, the one in burnt orange is Brick at 11 1/2, and of course that's Kat in the pink. We didnt have Kia this weekend, but we'll definitely get some pics of her come the next. ;)

We are all very thankful that school will resume again tomorrow. YAY!

OKay - So 1 of us likes the snow!

2006-01-15T10:27:00.000-08:00

We got snow. *ugh* and one of us really REALLY likes it.

This is Fletcher, the biggest baby we've got, and he LOVES the snow. *heh*
Fletcher is one big ole spoilt 128lbs. white fawn bull mastiff, who just happens to love the white stuff. He gets out in it and runs like he's a little spry pup. Can you imagine getting chased by this big baby? *heh*

Enjoy!

Fletcher Posing!

Fletcher - cheesing for the camera!

Show'n some teeth for the camera!

The Proposal

2006-01-12T08:17:00.000-08:00

Okay so I'm sitting here listening to the radio morning show and the topic today is "What is the most embarrassing proposal ever and what lie do you tell to cover it up?" Apparently there are some pretty stupid and unromantic guys out there judging by the stories I've heard so far this morning. Some have been really funny, like a woman in Myrtle Beach who's boyfriend tossed her the money and said, "here go buy the damn ring." to another woman who said she and her boyfriend were laying in bed talking about getting married, and she said,"well we aren't even engaged so we can't do much planning can we?" and his reply was," well you know where the ring is, go get it and we'll solve that problem."

It got me to thinking and so I'm going to share with you how hubby and I got engaged. :)

December 12th, 2003 - hubby came and picked me up from work for lunch. We lived like 5 minutes down the road from the construction company I worked for and he would get me everyday and bring me home, where he had lunch already waiting. Some days he would pick something up, but most days he would actually cook lunch. My favorite lunch from hubby when he was my boyfriend was cordon bleu, broccoli, and corn. Boy I miss those days. *heh* anywaayyyyy....on this particular day he was all smiles and I was like..okay what's up? and he wouldn't tell me. We get to the house and I go into the kitchen to see what's cooking and then I hear the CD player turn on, it's Dierks Bentley and the song is Last Name. Hubby is singing the song and I walk back into the living room to where hubby is standing. As I get close to him he bends down on one knee, still singing the song. At the point that Dierks Bentley sings,"so darlin' if you're wonderin' why I've got you here tonight
I wanna be your husband, I want you to be my wife", he opens a rose that has my engagement ring in it and offers it up to me and then sings the rest of the verse,
"I ain't got much to give you but what I've got means everything
it's my last name"
At the end of the song he smiled up at me, put the ring on my finger and told me he wanted nothing more than to marry me and share his life with me, would I marry him. of course I said YES.

and that's how I became engaged to hubby. :) Ain't I a lucky gal?

Every time I think back on it I smile until my face hurts, and every time I hear that song it brings me to happy tears.

I've got a good man, and now I've got a good last name.

how did your man propose to you? :)

xoxoxoxox

Rough Morning

2006-01-12T06:41:00.000-08:00

I'm up, getting the kids ready for school, and not really wanting to be up. *heh* The tummy is still rebeling this morning but not nearly as bad as yesterday. Thank goodness. Yesterday I wanted someone to just shoot me and put me out of my misery. *ugh*

I'll probably spend most of today laying around and giving my tummy the chance to get better before I tempt fate and get going full steam again. Lord knows running to the toilet and heaving is not my idea of fun and I dont want to end up there again anytime soon. Thankfully hubby and I are the only ones who ended up with this crap, and I pray that it stays that way. So far so good.

I'll try to get back here later. Got something on my mind I want to write about.

xoxoxox

Sick as a ....

2006-01-11T16:07:00.000-08:00

.....dog. so this post won't be very long. this is the most strength i could muster today besides running from the bed to the toilet. not fun.

but now i know how come anorexic women have 6 packs. it takes every one of your ab muscles to heave and ho like i've done today...ugh! sad part is i've worked out 2 days in a row, so my abs were already screaming. *heh*

ok, i gotta go lay down. sitting upright does not agree with me just yet.

take care all...

xooxoxoxoxo

2006-01-10T11:02:00.000-08:00

Yyyyayyy! I've already worked out this morning on the Total Gym. and Boy howdy can I feel it.. *heh* I'm sore in places that I just thought were dead! *lol* Feels good! I'm only on day 2, but yanno I'm gonna consider this a success. For 2 days I've stuck with it, and that's 2 more than I did in 2005. Feels good to be getting the "old me" back. Even my arms are heavy and sore, so if my typing is off or spell check doesn't catch anything... I don't care! It will have to stay that way because moving the mouse in any direction right now hurts. *lol*

Let's see what's new to tell today. hmmmm. oh yeah we had to cancel Brick's doc appt today down at UVA (University of Virginia). Apparently sometime yesterday a seal in the caliper on the driver's side of the car had dry rotted and now there are no brakes. We tried to get the part to replace it so we could be on the road today. But yanno how that goes, they would have to order the part and of course its like 50-60 bux outta of affordability range until payday. Poor kid. He was looking forward to this appt, heck we all were. We were finally going to get some answers and be on track with his autism, etc. Now the poor lil guy has to wait until Feb. 9th. BUT, we won't let this get us down, and we wont look at it as a setback. We'll keep our faith and keep putting one foot in front of the other. After all, what can you do?

I started another blog yesterday for updates on the kiddos for family. I figure this way everyone who doesn't want to chance talking to me on the phone, and vice versa, can get the info and pictures they want without the hassle. There isn't any reason why everyone couldn't get along other than just plain stubbornness and childishness. But hey I can only make me be an adult, I can't change the world. I figured this was the best route to go. They can check it out and oooooo and aawwww over the kids without having to acknowledge my existence. I dont care anymore. It used to hurt my feelings and make me mad, but yanno what? After dealing with the Ex and his family and now dealing with the psycho Ex on hubby's, I could care less about the adults. Its the kids who are the focus, who should be the focus and the rest of us should just bundle up our BS and pack it away for THEM. However, I won't be accused of keeping the kids away from anyone. Especially since that has never been my intention, and I won't have someone not taking responsibility of not wanting to check in on the kids and participate with them by saying "well your mother never let us talk to you or gave us pictures, nothing." Nope, it won't be that easy.

The good news we have gotten is that hubby's VA decision has been made and now we are just waiting on the letter to hit the mailbox. He talked to them yesterday and the guy on the phone said it could be "any day, watch your mailbox". Well I'm watching the poor thing and it hasn't gone anywhere, nor gotten anything!!!! I think the mailman is now in fear of his life when he stops at our box, because we are now at the box each day waiting for him. *LOL* Poor guy!

I hope its sooner rather than later getting here. Our poor car has been a gem of a hooptie. Getting us from point A to point B without complaint though it was and will forever be falling a part no matter how much work and parts are put into it. Bonny, that's the car, is DUE for retirement and I hate to put it off any longer than I have to. This decision could not have come at a better time. That's for sure. Thank you God, because without You nothing is possible! (Amen)

Last night for supper we had a chicken rotel casserole. My mom made it a couple of times when we stayed with her while hubby was in Iraq, and when he came home on R&R. He loved the stuff so I attempted it last night. As he and the kiddos hovered over their plates last night ready to dig in I was sending up prayers to the Big Guy to plllleeaasseeee let it be edible. (I can make things too spicy for the kiddos without meaning too..gotta be me missing real mexican food. LOL) They dug in and there was complete silence for longer than was comfortable for me. Finally panic set in and I had to ask, "WEELLLL???"

I've since been told if I ever go back to hamburger helper I'm fired. *LOL* Best compliment Mom can get, yanno? I've also been told that from now on I am to cook and nobody cares to see McDonald's or Wendy's again. Yeah okay...uhhh huhhhh. Come payday, Mom is getting break and they are getting Big Mac's..LOL

All in all, even with the car and its problems, the day and night were good ones. Brick did all of his math homework without complaint, even after he found out he was not getting the day off from school today. Hubby had another good day, a couple of tense moments last night, but he handled things very well in the end. That's all anyone can ask for, right?

Let's get on with it.

Have a great one today every body. I'm praying you do.

xoxoxoxox

2006-01-09T03:46:00.000-08:00

Its like 0:dark30, so if I ramble here that's why. *heh* I'm up putting in a load of laundry for the kiddos for school this morning because I was too lazy to put it in last night before I went to bed. Had something to do with the it being cold outside and the dang washer/dryer being in the basement. Now I'm thinking I just shoulda braved the dang cold last night and got an extra hour or two of sleep this morning. *heh* Lesson learned. (I hope anyway.)

The kids Dad finally called them yesterday. (He's been in Iraq for a year and they finally heard from after all that time.) He called to let them know he was home and safe now, (he's been home for more than a couple of weeks, they are high on his priority list aren't they?) and to get their sizes and what they wanted for xmas. His side of the family (to include their new stepmother) sent nothing for Christmas. Not a card, not a phone call, nothing. It burns me up how he can go a complete year without talking to his kids, without letting them know that he is safe and made it through one more day over there, but yet he could get on his webcam and talk to the new wife and "peanut" his brand new baby daughter almost daily. The new daughter will never remember this time that he was over there, but my three? They will remember it for a lifetime, and remember the fact that when Dad decided to step out on us and get a new family, he left his old kids dangling in the wind. Now its time to "pay the piper" and try to bribe his way back in with promises of xmas presents and "things". Some "things" never change. My poor kids. *sigh*

Life here on the homefront has been pretty good the past couple of days. We had some really rough spots on Friday. I worried all that day that we had hit another spot in the road that might see a break mine and hubby's relationship. But all seems to have smoothed itself out. I feel for him and what he goes through, but I feel for me too. I have self diagnosed that I have PTSD stemming from his PTSD. I love the man with all my heart and it kills me to watch him go through a lot of what he goes through. But at the same time I feel like when you commit to someone you see it through the good times and you work like mad through the bad. You don't cut and run every time the bottom "seems" to fall out. He's getting real good at that part, cut and run. Its wearing me thin. I understand what is going on in his head when he gets to that point. He feels like the kids and I don't deserve what he is going through, and putting us through because of it. But what he doesn't realize is that we love him and we are committed to him. You don't cut ties and pull up stakes on someone you love when the going gets a little rough. You batten down and you ride it out together. I seriously have to get the total gym back up here upstairs where it is in my face and out of the basement. I have got to start doing some serious stress relieving or pretty soon my shoulders and neck will be stiff and I wont be able to move my head again. The older I get the more crippling the effects of stress are on my body. Gotta love getting old. *heh*

Yesterday was such a great day with the hubby. We loved, we were affectionate, we joked and laughed, we missed Texas together and even are making some plans to get home for a vacation this summer as soon as we can. We watched Beauty Shop, what a riot and just plain enjoyed each other. We had Kia for the weekend. Boy howdy do we love that little girl. She is such a little doll. She had to go back last night and it is so hard to let her go. But thankfully we'll have her back in a couple of weeks again. We were lucky enough to have had her for the 7 days after Christmas through New Years and then turn around and get her again this weekend. Yay! I'm going to work on getting some kind of camera where I can take family photos. Every body on every single side of our family, Ex's included, are chomping at the bit for updated pics and such. I'm even thinking of starting a blog just for the kiddos and family updates to keep everyone happy. hmmmm not sure if that will go into production or not, but it sure seems to be a simple way to get everyone off my back. *heh*

allllriiighhhttyyy then...I think I'm going back to bed. I think I no longer hear the washer going. Sooo I can get the clothes in the dryer and go fall back out for a couple of hours before I have to get the kiddos up and moving. What fun, What joy! Oh how I'm soo NOT looking forward to waking up the grumpies. *heh* Especially, since I'll probably be the ring leader.

Later in the day Tater!
mucho love -

Broke Thursday

2006-01-05T15:05:00.000-08:00

and that's because I finally got my child support today and after paying the bills, and pampering myself, we're broke again. I swear I can't ever get used to having money because by the time I get used to having it, its GONE again. *heh*

But I feel better. I got my nails done today. I used to get my nails done every two weeks. This was a ritual of pampering I did for myself after my divorce and something I continued to do for myself after I met hubby. I hadn't had them done since we left Texas, and I feel almost like the old me. :)

I also stopped and paid for my tanning sessions. I'm white as a ghost okay? I'm talking won't wear shorts STYROFOAM white. My legs would blend in with one of those cheapy foam beer coolers if I were to stand next to one. *heh* I'm also used to feeling the sun on my skin every day. In Texas the sun shines even if its 2 degrees outside and most times when its raining. I miss my UV RAYS! *heh* I start that tomorrow.

I brushed my hair and put some make up on. I feel better, almost good. If it weren't so dang gray outside I'd say fantastic. But the gloominess of these winter days are seriously messing with my moods. Later on tonight I'm bringing up the total gym out of the basement and I'm going to get back to it. I always feel better after a work out, and I'm desperate need of some exercise.

Speaking of broke, I paid the phone bill, but the internet might be off for a few days until I can pay that. So if I'm quiet for a few days, well, you know that I didnt win the lottery and pay the bill. *heh*

Hope to be back for broke Friday, but if not..well you know why. ;)

- out

41-38 The LONGHORNS WIN IT!!!!!

2006-01-05T00:31:00.000-08:00

YYYYAAAAAYYYYYY !!!! The Horns won the Rose Bowl!!!

'enuff said!

talk about missing home right now!!!!

Hook'em Horns All The Way!

now I can go to bed.. *heh*

oh yea - The WV Mountaineers won the Sugar Bowl! How cool is that to live in one state that won their bowl, and have my own be National Champs? Perty Dang Cool! :)

Way to go UT and WV !!

Resolutions and 2006

2006-01-04T07:35:00.000-08:00

I haven't really sat down and thought about my resolutions and what they will be other than getting this "back 40" off my backside. That is a standing resolution each year all year long. Most times I achieve it only to see it come right back before the year is out. This year however will be different. hmmm Where have I heard that before? *heh*

Here we go:

resolution - The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination.
A resolving to do something. A course of action determined or decided on.

1 - I resolve to get the back 40 off, and the 20 that are sitting around my middle, and any other acreage that wasn't a part of the original package back in 1972. I also resolve to find some way under Heaven to keep it off. *heh*

2 - I resolve to just be me in my entirety. This means no longer giving to the point that I lose myself, my beliefs, my focus on life for another person, or cause.

3 - I resolve to be happy in spite of the difficulties in my life. I will not allow the drama, the Springer episodes of life, and health issues of loved ones to help me ruin my outlook on life.

4 - I resolve to not take my undeserved blessings for granted.

5 - I resolve to look at life through new fresh eyes and love it for what it truly is.

6 - I resolve to live in reality and not mine or any one else's warped view of such.

7 - I resolve to love without holding back no matter the cost to me. I want to leave this life knowing that I gave all I could, did all I could, and never regret that I didn't love someone with all I have.

8 - I resolve to be a better mother to my children. To give them more of my time and less of my bad moods and grumpy mornings.

9 - I resolve to be a better wife. To give more of my love without being guarded, and to stand firm on what I believe in. I will support, and love my husband with all my heart and at the same time plant my foot solidly on the ground in the name of love to help him.

10 - I resolve not to let the difficulties in my life get me down, and/or rob me of my self worth, my self confidence, and myself period. I will be strong, and I will be me.

Welcome 2006!

ps - and I resolve to go back to bed since the kiddos have left on the bus for school....*heh - yawn*

Grieving with West Virginia Today

2006-01-04T03:59:00.000-08:00

I'm constantly writing about Texas and how I miss it, but today I am grieving with the rest of the state that I now reside in. West Virginia has lost 12 of its 13 sons this morning in a mining accident.

Thankfully hubby does not work in a mine. But if he was able to work it would have been one of his first choices for employment. Besides the railroad, the mines are the main sources of employment for this state. Generations upon generations have worked the mines here and will continue to do so until more jobs find their way to West Virginia. It is an extremely dangerous environment and job. I feel so badly for those families. I can only imagine what they are going through. Having been military and lived through hubby in Iraq, I can understand the emotional roller coaster, the feeding of wrong information to the families, and the vigils of prayers and waiting and watching when a mission has gone horribly wrong. My heart and sympathy goes out to each and every family member suffering this morning.

Hubby lived with his grandparents growing up and his grandfather was an electrician in a mine. His grandfather was injured when a roofing nail (I think this is what its called) fell and sliced through his shoulder. They had to remove the rod that had impaled itself point down through his shoulder into his body before they could remove him from the mine. This happened many many many years ago, and this man is STILL awaiting compensation from American Steel after all of these years. A compensation he won and continues to win each and every time American Steel thinks they've found a loop hole and appeal it I might add. So we are all too aware of tragedies and accidents like this on a personal level and we grieve for the families who will go on without their lost loved ones today.

Dear Lord,
We pray that the families will have strength to get through such a difficult time. We pray that the dearly departed knew Jesus Christ in their lives and had accepted Him as their savior. We pray they are all together in Heaven this morning. Lord please watch over the loved ones left behind and provide for their every need.

In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.

Please pray for these families.

one more post mr. postman...~singing~

2005-12-29T16:58:00.000-08:00

you know you are heading towards manic when random thoughts from left field make you questions your sanity... *LOL* case in point -

1) I finally remembered that hey maybe I need to scoop out the litter box before the cat declares mutiny and starts shitting in my dirty clothes. But alas~ I've waited so long to remember, again, that forget the scooper, I'd need a shovel. We'll just do what we always do and dump it all and start over. (*Note to self - just buy the cheap ass non scoopable kind from now if I'm gonna be a moron and wait until it's full to scoop it! End of Note.*)

2) Little bit decided that potty training is just not on her agenda today and so forth with pissed her big girl panties. (Of course this doesn't beat out last night when I took the kids to Church and she pooped her big girl panties for Daddy, Thank goodness!) So I decided to have a little serious talk one on one with little bit about the importance of telling us when she needs to go potty. That just because she is playing with her blocks or listening to her new Dora CD, if she feels the need to go she needs to tell me. okay yeah, in one 2y/o ear and out the other as she smiled real big, said assadent and then declared it was time to take a bath. She wants bubbles. Who got taken by whom here? (*Note to Self - Pullups have been bought for a reason, use them and stop being made a fool by a smarter than you 2 y/o who just wanted to play in the bathtub with her bubbles and found a way to do it! End of Note*)

3) I've been a dishwasher for so long that I worry when I run bath water for the kiddos that I will get the water too hot for them. You see, once you've done dishes for about, ohhh... 20 some odd years, you lose a lot of accurate temp gauging with your fingers. My temp tolerance in my hands is high enough to kill bacteria, so what is not so hot to my fingers becomes boiling hot to my little toes. (*Note to Self - Let the kids tell you if the water is hot BEFORE stepping into the shower and hearing screams of pain from the toes. End of Note*)

4) I was sitting there listening to little bit playing in the bathtub with her very smartly gotten bubbles, taking a pee, and daydreaming about a vacation at sandal's in Jamaica. (I'm a multitasker of the first order, can't ya tell? *heh*) What I would give to be down there sitting on the beach, drinking something exotic like a crown and coke with an umbrella (hate sweet drinks..LOL so crown and coke in an exotic setting becomes an exotic drink. *heh*) soaking up the sound of the waves and probably fighting off the harpooners who would take me for a beached whale! *LOL* (*Note to Self - weight watchers is really starting to sound like a GREAT 2006 resolution. Stop listening to hubby who says "I love you the way you are, you are perfect", and start listening to what he's really saying, I can get my arms around you to give you a hug and I'm not about to say anything that might cause you to nag or whine incestuously for the next 2 weeks. Smart man...*LOL* End of Note*)

Gotta go, little bit got her own towel and just came out here laughing like crazy and telling me "my butt is hanging out!"

oouuuu la,la,la ~ quiet time

2005-12-29T16:29:00.000-08:00

The kiddos went skating cause they received free admission passes a week ago, and the littlest munchkin just woke up from her nap (with Daddy whom is on the couch with her, still asleep I might add) and is watching Lilo and Stitch. Oh yea, God bless the DVD babysitter so Mom can have 5 more minutes of quiet time. *heh*

Whats on my mind right now? hmmmmm loads of drama and toxicity. That loosely translates to - got people and their drama overloading our lives (As IF we don't have enough drama on our own thank you very much!) and they need to go, plus, I'm thinking about finding a new template/layout for my blog, but I'm not real sure if I want to get into the pain in the butt of doing all of that. Oh yeah, and run-on sentences. *LOL* that would be the coke kicking in, the liquidy beverage kind ya crackheads..*heh*

It was snowing here again earlier today. Of course the weather forecast last night didn't call for any snow, which virtually guarantees what I woke up to this morning! - snow - and it still hasn't stopped some 9 hours later, though its not sticking to anything. But sure is making a wet slushy mess. I really can't say anything because every time I see the little white pain in the butt's falling from the sky it is my voice I hear in my head telling hubby back in Texas, how I could not wait until I lived some where that had actual 4 seasons. Shoot me...please...anyone???

The big kiddos will be gone to the skating rink until 8pm tonight. This is soooo cool! I could kiss the woman who gave them the free passes. *heh* It almost feels like schools back in session. I cannot WAIT for Jan 2nd! *heh* Love the kiddos, but I love'em more when they are being educated from 7:30am-3pm. *LOL* They are having fun right now which is great, and getting out of the house. Christmas break sucks for kiddos who get bored with all their newly received presents of 4 days ago, and are now bored to tears and dying from cabin fever. It's all good cuz Mama needed the quiet time, BADLY.

Little bit is now up and demanding pizza and pop. I don't think I'll ever get used to cokes being "pop". Cracks me up every time I hear it. *heh* I guess that means that quiet time has officially ended. WAAAHHHHH I swear it's always forever in getting here, and then its gone in a blink of an eye. shoot me....pretty please?????

Of course if little bit is eating pizza so am I. Like I really need to be putting on the feed bag and adding more acreage to what I call my ass. This is lovingly referred to as the "back 40" and will soon be the "back 60" if I dont learn to walk away from the dadgone trough! What Santa should have brought me for Christmas was either a Weight Watchers membership or wired my jaws shut during my sleep!

I'm babbling I know, but hey chalk it up to old age and flat out just don't give a crap. *heh* You know how you can go through a lot of BS and at some point in the middle or towards the end of it a little switch gets flipped in your head and all of a sudden you are just DONE? Well, that's where I am - at DONE. I've skated around the D and am now sliding around the O, but I'll sure get to the E before long. Really can't get into the particulars right now, not real sure I want to because that would raise pisstivity levels to an all new high and I don't have any happy wonder drugs to level me out. *NOTE to SELF - make doc appt after the new year and see about zoloft or something - END of NOTE*

I'm drama'd out folks. Can't even watch Days of Our Lives without wanting to retch - Done. I want a quiet peaceful life. Note that I didn't say normal. Lord knows I won't ask for the impossible. But I'd sure like some quiet peaceful moments of knowing the bills are paid and caught up, the flashbacks are holding at bay for a day or two, and that the kids won't need therapy in a few years because of "our life", and our "friends" aren't the biggest shit stirrer-uppers within the immediate 100 miles of our home. That would be SSSSOOOO nice indeed.

yeah quiet time has disappeared completely now as my name is being chanted behind me from little bit who is seriously trying to feed the dog the last of her pizza. *sigh* and we aren't talking no 15lb lapsitter ankle biter neither. She's feeding Fletcher, my 128lb bull mastiff. Fletcher = horse of a dog who slobbers uncontrollably when eating pizza. UGH! Get a towel.

Mama is officially back on duty.

a cup of munchkin and a little coffee

2005-12-27T13:05:00.000-08:00

oh yeah thats my world right this moment and its great. :)i'm having a cup of coffee with chocolate coffee mate flavoring and Kia is sitting in my lap snuggled up against me showing me her "sticky" fingers. (Kat cut up and fed her an orange not too long ago.) It always amazes me how in such a short amount of time this little munchkin has wrapped me around her little "sticky" fingers and stolen my heart. all of our hearts :) Kia is such a precious little angel with an attitude. *heh* she fits right in, trust me. i miss this little rugrat so much when she is away from us. so right now i'm soaking up the moment of this little one's love. such a big heart in a little body. Kat has been all big sister all day. *heh* She is another precious little one with a big heart.

I imagine its not easy on either of the girls. Both are used to being the only girl when they are apart during the two week breaks between weekends. Both love hubby so much and both are Daddy's girls. Kat loves Kia so much that when Kia finally feels smothered by her big sister and reaches out for the attention of her big brothers, Kat's feelings suffer. So much love in this house, how can we all not be anything but blessed?

Hubby woke me to a cup of chocolate flavored coffee and heartwrenching letter. In it he told me how much he appreciates me and loves me, and how much he knows I am here for him. Life hasn't been the easiest for any of us the past 6 months, but we've hung there, and done it together, as we always will. He knows this, I know this, and the kids know it. What a great feeling.

Even now as I sit here I am awed by the love that surrounds me in this house. My kids are such a blessing, my husband even more so. We are all living, breathing miracles of each other, and I'm so thankful I'm aware of it. How sad it would be to go through life and not know what I have in front of me.

I'm gonna sip this coffee and revel in the noise around me of the kiddos talking, laughing, and coloring behind me at the dining room table. I'm going to enjoy the sounds of a well loved family, and then....

"can i use that pink Kat.....puulleeasee" makes me smile to hear it. makes my heart warm and full of love to hear them being so nice and loving with one another...cause God knows in 5 mins all hell will probably break loose....

yup i waited too long and here comes wwIII...*laughing*

back later - out

published at 1626 - cause blogger won't let me adjust the time ;)

2 days after Christmas

2005-12-27T08:40:00.000-08:00

and all through the house, every creature was stirring, arguing and fighting including the mouse...*heh*

The kiddos do not go back to school until Jan 2nd and I'm not sure they will survive Christmas break to make it back. *LOL* Santa was very good to everyone this year. So good that no one wants to share their treasures. It snowed yesterday and the night before so they have been chopping at the bit to get out in it. Thank goodness that Santa brought them all water proof snow boots and now they can play until their fingers fall off from frostbite. *heh* The temp was way too cold yesterday morning for them to go out, so the wait began on the sun to warm things up. Let's just say it was ON until I finally said to heck with it and gave the go ahead to get out of the house. We were all ready to beat each other through the floor. 5 more minutes of cabin fever and I'm sure there would be no one here to post today. *LOL*

We also have Kia until Sunday. This is a real treat. If its not hubby's court appointed time with her, we dont get to see her or talk to her the two weeks in between our weekends. The ex is quite a piece of work to say the least. So we are definitely having a ball catching up and spending every available minute she's awake with her. She's a doll. :) And at 2 about to turn 3 she has her moments. *heh* Do they make midol in toddler formula? *LOL*

Hubby is getting along better. His blood pressure has been elevated since last Thursday and has given us a couple of nights of concern. He's got a raging headache that won't let him be. We spent most of last night in the ER trying to find something that would at least take the edge off of the pain. Thankfully the stuff they gave him brought it down to a tolerable level, but even better than that was that it brought down his blood pressure. We have had days of 170/113 - 144/109. Last night before we headed home (2am rather) they had gotten it down to 135/98. YAY! Come payday we are going to buy a digital BP monitor. I don't like not being able to monitor it at home. I'm constantly worried about stroke or heart attack.

I woke up Sunday with my eyes wide open that 2006 is going to be a great year for us. Already hubby has figured a way to get the bills under control and get us back on top within the next few paydays. This is great news. Finances have become a very sore spot in our house next to health issues. On top of that I've made the conscious decision to get back in shape and start working out on a regular basis. I learned a very long time ago that working out is the best stress reliever for me. And I definitely need to relieve some stress.

We still haven't heard anything from the VA about hubby's claim or its status but he's going to call them this afternoon and find out. It would be extremely nice to have that settled so we can get some other things settled like getting a vehicle that's dependable and legally big enough for all of us. I want my Durango so badly!

And that's my world as I know it today. Things aren't golden streets and lottery winnings, but they sure are looking up. Thanks to all of you who have kept us in your prayers, He definitely has been listening. ;)

much love and hugs~

- out

Merry Christmas Eve and Puuullleeezze

2005-12-24T07:57:00.000-08:00

Okay if I hear one more "Mommy can we open just ONE present, Puuullleezzeee?!?!?!?!?" I think I'm gonna throw something, probably the Christmas tree out the window! *heh*

This year I was seriously worried that Christmas morning was going to find one beautifully decorated Christmas tree very bare of presents. I quit my job last month just before Thanksgiving and money has been tight if not scarce. However, my Mom and the UPS dude came shining through. Tuesday hubby and I found a way to come across some money and buy a few presents. We got them wrapped and were putting them under the tree when the first Fedex package arrived. It was a couple of packages of batteries and a disposable camera with a note that said, forgot to send these with the gifts. Gifts should be arriving tomorrow. Oh goodness did they. 2 huge boxes showed up. Well that fear of a bare tree was so wrong its not even funny. There are so many gifts under the tree that they are lined up along the wall beside the tree and the stair case, and under the piano. Me of so little faith. Now what am I saying? Goodness these kids are spoilt! *heh*

So yeah all I've been hearing since Tuesday is, "can we puuullleeezee open ONE present?" uhm NOOOOOOO ...but I could sure stand to open a beer, or two. *LOL*

Hubby was going through his duffel bags and foot locker from Iraq and ran across a webcam. So I'm hoping that next week I'll be able to put up some pics. I'm actually kind of excited! :)

Monday we are getting Kia at noon. This year is not hubby's year for being able to see her Christmas eve or Christmas Day. Kind of sucks the big one, but hey, at least we are getting her for the entire week next week. Something is definitely better than nothing!

Hubby has had some rough days, but we are making it through. I'm so ready for 2005 to end. I hope and pray that 2006 will be a good year for us.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! Be safe, take care, and lots of love and prayers to and for you all. Especially those who are separated and far from their loved ones and home during this holiday season.

Love ya Mel, Cat, Angel Girl, Becky and Xman, Mama Duck, Katy, Southern Fried Girl, and Kylz. Happy Holidays!

I'll be back after Christmas~

much love and hugs,
Chelle

Its 3am, do you know where your kids are?

2005-12-20T00:10:00.000-08:00

*heh* I remember hearing that stupid commercial every night at 10pm. "Its 10pm, do you know where your children are?" Now I'm thankful that I do, and hopefully in another year or two I can still say that. Clothesline will be 14 next bday. Gawd I'm getting old. *sigh*

Its like 3am and I cannot sleep. Seems to be a pattern forming here. The past couple of days I've woken up to a neon lime green numbered alarm clock blinking a time that stated the sun definitely hasn't even thought of getting up yet, WTF was I doing up? I dunno. Yesterday I was sick as a dog. There has been this stomach crap going around. All three kiddos had it over the weekend and I p-r-a-y-e-d that I wouldn't get it. I musta been a baaddd girl cuz guess who was puking up guts yesterday? ugh~ I slept on and off most of the day so I guess that's why I'm up now bugging the hell out you other peeps that can't sleep right now. *lol*

I have decided that snow is a very beautiful and awe inspiring natural event that should be only be witnessed in person once in my life and from now on I'll gladly watch it on TV or ohh and ahh over it on Christmas cards. I hate the real life crap! *heh* oh yeah it's pretty - pretty much a pain in the ass let me tell ya! Everything is a "crispy" white right now. That means it crunches when you walk on it and you better have good tread on your shoes or down you are gonna go. I'm a pretty clumsy person on a normal every day basis, and this shit makes me look like an epileptic chicken trying to dance every time I have to walk on it. Laugh all you want..it ain't funny no mo' to me. *lol*

The only good thing about cold weather winters, (and yes now I agree with anyone who lives north of the red river, that Texas is NOT this cold! Thank God!), is that I got to buy a killer pair of boots over the weekend (on sale, cause I'm hella broke! LOL). They are awesome and warm! YAY for me! In Texas I would have bought them and my excuse would have been because I just wanted them. Here in WV I had to have them because I NEEDED them. That's bout the only thing I like about WV right now. My new boots. *heh*

Life with hubby is interesting to say the least. Health-wise he seems to be doing a lot better. He still deals with a lot of pain from the nerve damage in his right arm, and his back, neck, etc. But mentally, sheesh, what can I say? Iraq farked him up. There is no other way to put it or say it that wouldn't be sugar coated. And trust me, there is no way I'm sugar coating this. The world needs to know what these poor guys and gals go through when they get home. It ain't pretty, and it damn sure isn't easy to deal with. I can only imagine what he is going through mentally on a daily basis, but it has to be hell compared to what I know I am dealing with on my side of it. I love this man with all my heart and it hurts to watch him go through the mental anguish he goes through on a daily basis. It hurts to be the target of misplaced anger and hateful comments because I can't "possibly understand or know" what he goes through. We've only been "married" for 2 months now, and already it feels like a lifetime.

Looking back on the months right after his return from Iraq, I seriously believe that he lived in a huge bubble. I kept waiting for the bottom to fall out of our lives while he was going through the med board for his injuries. I kept waiting for reality of what he had been through and what he would go through and endure for some time to settle in. The med board took 5 months, and he was retired in May from the Army. The very minute he separated from the Army, reality set in and life has been hell. I think as long as he was still wearing the uniform he could deal, or well deny, what he had seen and been through over there because he was still a part of the big picture. He was still a soldier no matter how beat up and fubar'd he was. Now he's just a retired disabled veteran. To you and me, that says a lot and there is a lot there to be proud of. But to him he is a broke soldier with no purpose and now no worth because the Army didn't want him anymore and he could no longer do his job. He does not accept his disabilities and I doubt that he ever will willingly. He holds on to the picture of how life was before the war, a life that will never be again. He gets angry when he can't do the things he used to be able to do, like play pool for a couple of hours at the local bar without pain. He shouts and rages when anything is said about Iraq on the news or TV. If Bush is on the channel I will rush to change to it. The kids and I already know plainly hubby's view of the President, his foreign policy, and the war on Terrorism.

The kids and I walk on eggshells created out of sand and war. Smiles are not as frequent or as easy as they once were. Happy - is a word in the dictionary that I remember and reach for with everything I have but seems to elude us no matter what I do.

I was watching the special on 7 guys back from Iraq that Tom Brokaw did last night and one thought kept creeping back in - it will never be over for any of us. Hubby has been home for a year and one month now, and Iraq is still a part of our daily lives, as much so if not more so than when he was actually there. I cannot watch a homecoming, or a read an article about another soldier lost or wounded, or just read an article about someone in Iraq period -good or bad- without dissolving into a heaping mess of tears. I am grieving even though he is alive. He breathes, but he doesn't' live, and most days doesn't want to live. His eyes are open but I don't think he really sees us. He walks and talks but the lights are barely on. Every day he laces up his Justin boots and I can tell you now in his minds eye they are his desert boots. He walks on WV soil, but in his mind he wishes it were sand. His body is home, but my husband, my best friend is still in Iraq and I grieve for him every day because I doubt we will ever have a true homecoming. I doubt I will ever have the man I fell in love with back. He doesn't want to come back. He doesn't want to be in a world of McDonald's and Walmarts and peace because it doesn't make sense to him to be here anymore.

He told me last night he wished he could go back to Iraq where life made sense and he had a purpose, he had worth. He doesn't feel like he has anything to live for back here in the civilian world because he's a broke disabled soldier, and in his mind, who would want him? why would anyone want him?

I do - because I love him - but I wonder if that will ever be enough for him, again some day.

War is hell, but life after war is a fucking walking talking nightmare that you pray some day you can wake up from.

God please - wake us up from this.

ps - I so loathe dial up...grrrrr

pss - don't know what the fark is up with blogger but it won't let me edit the publish time..trust me it ain't a little after midnight...how i wish it were..then maybe i could get those precious hours of sleep that are gone now....*yawn*

-out

taking a minute...

2005-12-12T16:37:00.000-08:00

sorry i've been away for so long. hopefully in the next day or so i'll be able to get a post up here and do an update. i no longer work during the day and we have dial up so getting online is a bit of a chore. hubby is safe and sound back at home and out of the woods, i'm so thankful to say. thank you for your prayers and well wishes. life is a bit hectic right now with christmas coming and the income being so lean, but the first of the year is looking like a light at the end of very long tunnel....i don't hear a train whistle..so maybe for once it's not a train...

be back soon..take care all, and once again..thank you for the prayers and well wishes...cat i promise as soon as i have a chance i'll reply to the email...

lots of love~
Chelle

Another Monday

2005-11-21T10:35:00.000-08:00

Those of you whom I was reading your sites pretty regularly, if you would like an update or an explanation of this craziness I've been going through, you can email me at teri_michelle(at)yahoo(dot)com. there are legal reasons why I cannot post on the net what has been going on.

Hubby has stabilized and is doing better though still in the hospital. I'm not sure when I'll be back home on a regular basis as he is now 4 1/2 hours from me. Hopefully he will be discharged the day before Thanksgiving, we are praying for this anyway. Life has surely thrown us a huge curve ball, but we will bounce back. When at the very bottom, the only way is to go up, right?

thank you for your prayers, and I'll email those who email me.

- out for now

Hubby - ICU

2005-11-16T04:10:00.000-08:00

don't have but a few minutes, am home from the hospital getting a change of clean drawers and my sanity. hubby is in ICU on a machine to force breathing. if you pray, please please keep us in your prayers. will update when i can.

- out

Weight of the world

2005-11-14T11:17:00.000-08:00

You know how Atlas looks all hunched over trying to balance the weight of the world? well I think the world slipped and fell, only off my shoulders, not Atlas'.

I think I had a meltdown this morning in the car. I know I was hollering, okay probably screaming would be a better word, cause hubby's driving scared the bejeezzzus out of me. The next thing I know I'm driving, my hands are iron gripped around the steering wheel and I'm crying for all I'm worth. Big ole fat crocodile tears that would drown you if you had your mouth open, tears that wouldn't stop no matter what I did.

I'm still kind of in that numbed out I don't care but I do care stage. I guess the world just got too heavy for me and I finally dropped it.

I just hope its not in a thousand pieces...lord what a mess that would be to have to clean up...

Two weeks notice

2005-11-11T14:12:00.000-08:00

Well it's official, (or will be just as soon as I hand it to my Boss), I'm handing in my 2 weeks notice today at work.

I have had to take off for numerous health issues where hubby and son#2 are concerned. This company has been pretty patient and understanding where the absences are concerned. But considering my position really requires someone here on a regular basis I feel it's time to pack up my few photos, my snowman coffee mug, and head on home.

Hubby has not had a good day today at all. He work up with the left side of his face tingly and numb. Of course my first thoughts were STROKE, because of the blockage in his heart. He was upset when I talked to him, enough so that I wanted more than anything to drop all here at work and rush home to him. But I couldn't. The other secretary has to leave this afternoon to take her mother to the doctor and someone has to be here. That would be me, because 2 of the 4 ladies in the back or off today. This is where the guilt and the stress of home and work pull at me.

I wanted nothing more than to be with hubby and take care of him today. I could tell by his voice that he was hurting something fierce mentally. I feel like such a shit for not just walking into the boss' office and saying, "Look he's all I've got in this world and I have to go be with him." Already there have been mentions of needing to have a talk from the boss.

Yesterday another of the managers passed my desk and told me he wouldn't be here tomorrow (today.) I said thanks for letting me know, that way I don't transfer people to your line all day. Then I laughed, as if to say wouldn't that be stupid of me to do? What did he say? "Well yeah, if you don't decide to take the day off."

(Here comes the rant...you've been warned... )

Take the day off? TAKE THE DAY OFF? Hello fuckwad! I have NEVER just taken the day off. GOD how I wish I had! Then that would mean I didn't have to spend all of those hours in a VA hospital watching the love of my life suffer through tremendous pain with no relief in sight. I would not have had to stay awake for 3 days PROTECTING him from the alzheimer's patient next door, who thought he was still at war! I would not have had to fight with his doctors to HELP him instead of just DRUGGING him! I would not have had to take him numerous times to the ER because he was passed out, or because he couldn't feel the left side of his body, or because his medications make him so sick that he can't keep solid food down for DAYS and has lost 35lbs since May! OH MY GAWD A DAY OFF???? Are you SERIOUS? GAWD how I wish I was taking today off to go play a round of GOLF! Oh how I wish that is ALL my life was focused on! But alas! It's not and I'm not allowed to get off that easy because I love my husband and my kids and we have ISSUES, REAL LIFE ISSUES that do mean my absences could mean life or death. WTF A DAY OFF? Well how about this..in 2 weeks I'm gonna take EVERY DAY off and see how you like answering your own GD Phone! See how many rounds of golf you can go play when you don't have someone sitting here to do all of your "delegated tasks". You can SHOVE YOUR DAY OFF!

/end of rant

Sorry folks..but that's my Friday....If it weren't for me wanting to leave on a good note, I'd say to hell with the 2 weeks and just go. Pack up my snowman coffee mug, my 4 pictures, and radio and get the hell out of dodge. But nope..I can't do that cause I actually CARE about the folks who would get stuck with my job while trying to do theirs too..how come I have to care so much about other people?????

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Happy Friday...*Grumbling*

Granny Get your Gun/ Gawd I miss Texas!! HEH

2005-11-10T12:13:00.000-08:00

I ~~stole~~ borrowed this post from the comments section of Redneck's Revenge. The orignial poster of said comment is RT, also from Reneck's Revenge.

I miss Texas!!! *LOL*

===============================================

Granny Get Your Gun

This is leading the local newscast tonight:

Arlington police have arrested a man who was shot by a 66-year-old homeowner after he attempted to hide from officers in her closet.

The suspect, Christopher Lessner, 22, is being treated at Harris Hospital in Fort Worth for non-life threatening injuries.

The Chevrolet pickup he was driving was reported stolen out of Euless. After conferring with the Tarrant County District Attorney's office, Arlington investigators plan to charge Lessner with unauthorized use of a motor vehicle, evading arrest, criminal mischief and criminal trespass.

The incident started at about 11:15 p.m. on Thursday when an officer in the 700 block of west-bound Interstate 30 attempted to stop a black Chevrolet pickup for speeding.

The driver of the pickup exited at Fielder Road, turned north, and drove onto Park Crest Terrace. In the 1700 block of Park Crest Terrace, the suspect jumped from the vehicle while it was still moving and fled on foot from the officer.

The suspect climbed an 8 foot fence, jumped over a chain link fence and ran into a heavily wooded area. The officer chased the suspect and called in his location and description to dispatchers. The suspect was described as a white male with no shirt and gray sweatpants, about 5 foot 11 inches, 160 pounds, with short hair.

Additional officers, the Arlington canine unit and a Fort Worth helicopter were called to assist in the search. During the search, officers heard a gunshot and were told by dispatchers that a shooting had occurred less than a mile south of their location on Northaven Court. The suspect in the shooting was wearing clothing similar to the missing suspect and matched his description.

Once officers arrived at the home in the 1700 block of Northaven Court, the suspect had fled. The 66-year-old female homeowner told officers that she got up at about 12:30 a.m. to let her dog out.

The woman said she usually carries a handgun because she is afraid of coyotes in the area attacking her dogs. The woman's 28-year-old granddaughter told her that she heard noises and glass breaking.

As the woman was letting her dog into the backyard, she saw a muddy footprint on the back porch that she hadn't seen before. She then noticed that her cats were out of the room that they usually slept in and that items in another room had been moved.

As she was checking the house with her gun (a .38 revolver) still in her hand, she found the suspect hiding under a coat in a closet near the front door. The woman told her granddaughter to call 911. The suspect leapt out at the woman. They exchanged words and he attempted to take the gun from her. The woman shot the man in the upper leg and fired a second shot, but missed. The suspect fled and officers found him a few houses away on an upstairs balcony.

Arlington police do not anticipate filing charges against the 66-year-old homeowner.

RT said:

They realesed the 911 tape and you can hear granny cussing at him and telling him if he moves she is going to blow his head off....and apparetly he moves....cause you hear the this BANG and the caller says "you better hurry granma just shot him"....and then a few seconds later...BANG....."oh she shot him again"....and the 911 operator says "well tell her to stop shooting him".

God I love living in Texas.

Army Wife Wonder Drugs

2005-11-10T10:55:00.000-08:00

just a little something I wrote to jest about what spouses in the military go through. I was one of them, so consider me a paxil, wellbutrin, zoloft veteran. *heh* if this offends you...get over it...

If there is one thing that is widely known in the Army it is that most spouses have been diagnosed with some form of depression, panic/anxiety disorder, or bipolar disorder. And most find themselves on some form of anti-depressant, or manic-depressive drug, even if they haven’t been diagnosed. Paxil, Zoloft, Wellbutrin SR (suspended release..for long hours of sanity *heh*), Efexor, Depakote, and Lithium, are just a few well known names of wonder drugs the Army likes to prescribe to most spouses who come down with a terrible and sometimes terminal illness called Bitchy Army Wife Syndrome, (BAWS).

When a spouse comes down with BAWS they lose the ability to shove their head up their own ass and believe their own bullshit much less the bullshit of others. The ability to listen to a bald face liar and keep a straight face without going ballistic goes out the window. The ability to look over little things, like your husbands dirty, sweaty PT’s on the floor of the bedroom completely leaves the realms of sanity and can promote feelings of "beat the hell out of him until he picks them up".

First symptom is Grandiosity – This is where the spouse has thoughts that she is better than the hell she is living in. Example is - “Who am I? Your maid? Pick up your own uniforms and dirty clothes off the floor, You are an adult right?”

Delusional – This is where the spouse believes that because of their position and her husbands occupation in the military life is supposed to be better. Example – “Honey you are a Soldier in the United States Army for God’s Sake! We should be living like Kings, your life is expendable and therefore your job should be the highest paid in the nation, and yet we scrape paycheck to paycheck and live just under the National Poverty Level, WTF???”

Hallucinations – This is where the spouse starts seeing things that are not there or real. Example – “I know I checked that damn bank account and it was NOT in the negative! WTF??”

Manic – This is where the spouse has periods of euphoria where the grandiosity and delusions can really set in. Example – “I’m on top of the world, I can go to school, I can get a job, I can go work out at the gym and lose this weight. I can do anything! “

Depression– This is where the spouse has periods of low self esteem, low or no self confidence,and where nothing and no amount of chocolate can make her feel better or see the silver lining. Example – “As long as we are in the Army we are always going to be poor. We are never going to catch up on the bills, I’ll never go to school because the kids will never graduate from diapers, the house will never be clean as long as you and the kids live here!”

These, of course, are not the only symptoms but are the most common. BAWS is sometimes accompanied by other disorders such as Turrets, where the spouse blurts out things verbally for no apparent reason at all. The outbursts can be swear words, phrases, or just babbling. Examples are – “ FUCK!, WHATEVER, SHIT, BITCH, OY! ARRGGGGGGGGGG, WTF, FINE, This is BULLSHIT!!!!!” and even growling.

Therapy alone does not always cure the spouse of her syndrome or symptoms. Most often treatment is accompanied with some form of medication management. By the time the spouse graduates to getting through part of her day relatively calmly and somewhat coherently, (without wanting to lock the children in a room alone with her husband and run off to the Bahamas), she already has a team of psychiatrists/psychologists/therapists/and pharmacists working towards her sanity.

As with any other disorder, therapy and treatments are not guarantees of a cure. It could take years or an ETS/retirement before the light at the end of the tunnel stops being a BDU/DCU clad train.

There is hope for the sufferer – Jack Daniel’s 12 Steps to the Bottle Program, Jim Beam’s One Glass is NOT Enough Class, and several all nighter’s support groups at your local Wide Eyed and Manic Bar and Grille.

So buck up Army Spouses - You are not alone in your suffering!

And the Army goes rolling along……Gotta love it…

- out

A blog fading to black

2005-11-09T13:41:00.000-08:00

HT to Blackfive for posting today about this Chaplain who will be fading to black on his blog due to OPSEC.

I have only had the honor of reading Chaplain Lewis' blog today and am saddened that today is a day too late to be a regular. However his archives beckon and I will follow. :)

Here is a bit to wet your appetite ~

As my soldiers prepare for their mission, without interfering with their activities, I walk around and pray for them and with them. It is something spectacular to see an American Soldier, armed to the gills with pistols and rifles and all manner of explosive accoutrements, covered head to toe with Kevlar, and watch him bow to pray as I dab oil on his forehead and pray the protection and blessing of God on his life and his mission. Then to hear that same battle hardened warrior, in a voice shaky from anticipation, adrenaline, and appreciation say, "Amen" and "Thank you, Chaplain".

read the rest, titled The Fight.

It was a Chaplain who brought my husband to the Lord while he was in Iraq. It was a Chaplain who fought to get my husband home after he was wounded. We owe so much to the Chaplains of the services for all that they do, and are to our loved ones in the services.

Go give him a read, and then send him off with some love. This brave man does so much by calling upon God on the behalf of our brave men and women, for their safe returns, for the comfort of God's love, for their souls to be Christs', and for God's forgiveness of war.

God bless you Chaplain Lewis, and Godspeed. I'll be waiting to read you again.

- out

Explanation of a post

2005-11-09T10:34:00.000-08:00

I know I don't have to give one, but I'd like to so here goes. I just wanted to explain that my unique situation with hubby's health and also with having a child with ADHD that requires buttloads of time and attention are the reasons why I feel I would better be benefiting my family with being at home. The stress of having to be absent from work at least one day a week to handle doctor appts, medication issues, medical testing and other health related issues are causing so much stress between home and work. At work I feel bad because I leave the ladies of the office to cover for me and to do my duties when I have to be gone for another emergency, etc. Plus I don't handle dealing with the Boss man when he gives me those "looks" when I have to be out again. At home I feel bad because I am not readily available to handle and deal with medical issues when they first arise. The stress is wearing me very thin, very quickly.

I do not knock those women who have to work outside the home or who want to. Currently I am a "have to", but it wasn't that long ago that I was a "want to". I thoroughly enjoyed working and interacting with other adults and feeling needed and being challenged. I thrived on it. Maybe it's old age settling in but I just am not getting the satisfaction out of working that I once did.

More and more I feel like I should be there for my kids and my husband. I am lucky that I have had the chance to get a taste of both worlds, and now I feel being at home is where I should be. I don't want to miss out on anymore of my kids growing up. My oldest will graduate in 5 years, my second oldest in 6. I know that sounds like a lot of time, but in reality it's not. It feels like these guys were just babies yesterday and I feel like in the past 3 years I've already lost so much time with them. Time I can't get back.

I miss being a Mom, and I miss being there. I didn't want my other post to sound like I was knocking anyone and their choice. This just happens to be mine. :)

- out

You make up a title

2005-11-08T11:47:00.000-08:00

for this, I'll just write it, how 'bout that? *heh*

Lately I have been feeling the bug of being a SAHM biting me. If it were just nibbling I could turn a deaf ear to it and go on about my business. But it's not. It's gnawing at me with some very sharp teeth that I can no longer ignore, making me take notice even when at times I know this probably isn't feasible for us right now.

I miss things I didnt think I would miss, like cleaning my house. I miss it being "clean" and not just picked up for 5 days and the real "motha" of cleaning waiting to ambush me on Saturday. I miss cooking and having dinner ready at a healthy time. Now I just pick up something on my way home from work, or stop at the grocery store and pick up what is fastest to make. Then it gets on the table around 7:30 or so. I miss baking and having healthy treats for hubby and the kids. I miss opening my freezer/fridge/pantry and seeing buttloads of food up there to cook. Now I see empty cabinets, and my freezer is haphazard with deer parts (its hunting season after all...*sheesh*)instead of the neatly stacked rows of hamburger meat, steaks, and chicken I used to keep up there.

I also miss my crocheting and crafting time. The time I reserved for me when the kids were in school so that it didn't detract from them. With the holidays coming up I crave to sit down with my sewing machine and put together home made decor for Thanksgiving and Christmas. But with this full time job and then going home to be a full time Mom, who has the time?

I miss my kids, and I miss my husband. I miss spending time with them where I don't feel exhausted or grumpy from putting up with other peoples BS and problems all day. I miss spending time with my kids where I am not constantly aware of the time, or whether it is bedtime or not so I can get that last load of laundry in before I get to bed. I miss getting up in the morning and making a real hot breakfast for my kids, instead of smacking the alarm clock like it is an annoying in-law. Now I make sure I get up early enough to have the bathroom to myself, to put my outside world face on and do my hair. MY GAWD I DO MY HAIR EVERY DAY...what is up with that?? I miss my pony tails...LMAO

But most of all...I miss the feeling of being whole. The feeling of knowing that I worked my butt off not for some corporation or for a paycheck. But the knowing that the hard work I put in that day benefits my husband, my kids, our health and our life. My best friend Melissa said on her blog today, "I want to get back to the basics". Get back to the things that are really important and stop running this rat race that isn't getting me or my family any where.

Of course this isn't feasible right now. We are still waiting for the VA to start hubby's disability compensation, which might not be until February. Each day I pray that I'll go home and find that backpay check in the mailbox. The check that says, here ya go! Go back to your husband, your kids, and take care of them on me. OH yeah that would be nice.

I guess I need to try and be patient, but that word is just not in my vocabulary. I may talk slow with a drawl but that doesn't mean I do anything slow. *heh* And forget patience when my mind is made up on something. By then, it's get out of the way. *heh*

- out

Last One...

2005-11-08T10:36:00.000-08:00

I promise...the coffee has kicked in and my mouse is click-er happy...*heh*

Go on over and check out this site, Home Detention Lady, the first post about Snoop Dirty Dawg will have ya in stitches...*lol*

Now I really..gotta earn this paycheck...*heh*

-out

You can't make this stuff Up!

2005-11-08T10:29:00.000-08:00

Another great site to check out. Hilarious posts, and a gay dog named Pete. *heh*

okay..now I really gotta get to work...*lol*

_out

A couple new sites

2005-11-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

and Texans to boot! *heh* Gotta love it!

First off go check out Rant & Ravin Haven, she's currently asking the question - to sock or not to sock? *heh* then give her some good ole down home luvin' - linkage that is! dirty minded people..i swear...*heh*

Then go check out Dallas K's, this is another Texas girl that cracks me up cause I can sooo relate to her posts! The one about the camera store totally gets me, cause I've been there heard that. too funny!

Finally, go check out Casa McAustin, another Texas family who has a new addition to welcome to the family. Congrats baby Elizabeth, and welcome to Texas! Wish I was there with ya little bit! :)

remember folks....linkage! *heh* What are ya waitin' fer?

-out

Redneck's Revenge

2005-11-08T09:09:00.000-08:00

Let me just take a moment here to thank Rob_NC for leaving me a comment and a new site, Redneck's Revenge, (who is also a fellow Texan) to check out! As mentioned in his comment, I do like this new site and am glad for the link! THANKS ROB!! Hook'em Horns! Ya'll get on over there and give'em some luv!

argggg the coffee is kicking in...and the email is piling up

I hate when work interferes with my blogging....*heh* ;)

- out

Another Monday and an Update

2005-11-07T10:20:00.000-08:00

This weekend was a good one. I say that because finally we had a Saturday that reminded me of the old us back in Texas. By that I mean, we used to get up on a Saturday morning, hit some place for breakfast and actually go in and sit down. (drive threws have become a pet peeve of mine!) Then afterwards we’d just hop in the truck and head on down the highway and explore whatever town/city we ended up in. We haven’t done that since we moved here to WV and I tell ya what, it surely wears on a person.

I’m pretty independent and I happen to be a woman who likes to know where the heck she lives. I want to get down the road a piece and see what’s out there. I was raised knowing there is life and land behind the city limit’s sign and by Jove, when I move to some place new I get out and I figure out where everything is. I haven’t been able to do this since moving here to Bluefield and it’s just about unraveled my last nerve.

Saturday I woke up and looked at the clock and thought…we’re getting out of here today. I turned to hubby who had one eye propped open and was looking at me like “ oh lord what ?!??!?!?!” and I said,” come on and get up we’re getting outta here today.” He asked me where we were going and I told him, I don’t know but anywhere but here. And we did.

We got all the kiddos dressed, and loaded up, and headed down to Burger King where we sat down to eat breakfast. We had a good time joking around and shoot’n the poop. Smiles in the morning have been a thing of the past too, so it felt really good to see everybody kind of back to their old selves. Then we loaded up the car again and hit the highway. We only ended up about 30 miles from home but that was fine with me. This town we went to had a Sonic! and a western wear store. I was in HEAVEN! *heh*

Finally a store that had Rockies, Lawman, Wrangler, Cruel Girl – HEAVEN! *heh* The kids were ohhhh’n and ahhh’n all over the place. Kat and Clothesline both had to try on wranglers and make sure they still wore the size they did in Texas. (jeez kids..transparent aren’t they? LOL) Brick just kind of stood around watching us walk around like chickens with our heads cut off. He’s not really into western wear, though he loves his carpenter wranglers. He just couldn’t understand the excitement we were all wrapped up in over – clothes..jeez..*LOL* When all was said and done I left with two pairs of Lawman, and a promise to diet so I could go back and buy more. I think I’ve already started putting on winter weight, that or I just need to have the feed bag locked away for 3 months! Something! Hubby walked out of there with a new pair of George Straight wranglers, and another pair of lace-ups. This time he got the black/bay apache’s that we both had before but got ruined in the move. I was like….uhm Christmas is coming remember!?!??! But he said waiting for Christmas is for the kids. Yeah okay…then where’s MINE??? *LOL*

Then we ate at Sonic! YAY! I haven’t been to Sonic since Texas. Now it’s not just that we are so in love with the food, though we are, it’s that there is not another Sonic within miles of the house. Hubby and I used to stop at Sonic, in C-Cove when we were at Ft. Hood, every day for a lemon berry slushie, and a cherry Sprite vanilla shake. We were definitely feeling like our old selves again when it was time to get back on the highway and head home. Even the kids were smiling and joking around instead of fighting and nitpicking each other to death.

Now that I know where this store is, hubby knows on payday I’ll be long gone down the highway to do some shopping. *LOL* I can’t help it. I’ve been missing my Lawman’s and button ups! I’ve got my eye on a new pair of boots too, so Merry Christmas to me!

Speaking of which I gotta put some xmas layaways – away. It’s getting way to close to atomic gift unwrapping time, and I don’t want to be caught with my pants down. *heh*

Update:
Hubby is feeling a bit better though the pain meds they have him on now seem to make him big time grumpy. I know most men have terminal assholeitis, but SHEESH! I so wanted to put him out of my misery yesterday, but I gotta love the guy. It’s not his fault he’s dealing with all of these problems that he has now, or the pain that never goes away. Some days he seems to accept his life as it is now and then other’s he rages at the unfairness of it all. Simple things that you and I take for granted like being able to hold a glass of pop in our hands, tend to make him rage because there are days when the weight of something so small is too much for him to bear. He has dropped six packs in stores before because his hands couldn’t support the weight, or his grip went numb and he didn’t know he had dropped it. It humiliates him and makes him mad that something so simple is beyond his abilities at times. I can understand his frustration and anger. It makes me feel so helpless and frustrated because I can’t give him back the full use of his arms and hands. I can’t take the pain away and give him back the days before Iraq. But I can love him and hold him and let him know that no matter what his abilities or disabilities are now, he’s the still the MAN that I love with all my heart and will always love. I just wish that were enough.

I talked to him a few minutes ago on the phone. He is laughing and joking around, giving me a hard time this morning. Hopefully it’s a good day.

Happy Monday all :)

Update on the Hubster

2005-11-04T14:49:00.000-08:00

His blood pressure has subsided some what so that he slept more than a few hours last night and finally kept something down. I'm going to stop on my way home from work tonight and look into weight gainer shakes, weight gainer something. This poor man needs to get some meat on his bones, otherwise I'm gonna HAVE to join Jenny Craig. *sigh* I've never been bigger than my man, and nowadays it's a realism that I just don't wanna face.

We still haven't heard anything from Salem/Richmond yet on the cardiologist. I hope when I get home there will be a message on the machine from...some body!!! This is driving me batty, and I've already unraveled my last nerve.

Hubby went down to "the farm" today with his brother to check out the deer hunting potential. He, Clothesline and I are supposed to go down tomorrow and do some bow hunting. This is going to be my first time so this ought to be a trip. I'll be lucky if I can get my arrow drawn back without announcing it to the entire deer population in WV. I can just hear it now....I go to pull back on the draw string, pop myself in the face or arm and cuss a blue streak....then hear every deer in within miles...snicker....*LOL* oh yeah...this is going to be such fun..*heh*

Anyway...back to the hubby..he must be feeling better to have wanted to venture out today and that makes me feel better. I don't worry so much when he is with someone during the day. I wish the VA would hurry up with his compensation so I can go back to being a SAHM, and go back to my medical transcription courses. Then at least I'd be there "in case".....I'll let that trail cause I really don't wanna finish thinking that one, much less type it out...

one thing I have been thinking about since Tuesday is that the ex-assbatbitch has probably been pitching a fit all week cause she can't get her child support, NOR the money she fraud'd DFAS into giving her this time around. She can't get it until she is face-to-face with the Judge again. He's supposed to bust her wide open on this one. And she doesn't even know it yet..* BIG OLE HEH*

justice is just beautiful ;)

-- out

The Kept Woman - Another Texan

2005-11-04T13:44:00.000-08:00

YAYYY!! what a day today is.. I've come across another Texan and this one seems to be in my predicament - a transplanted Texan!

The Kept Woman is now a keeper of mine too! I'm on my way back to reading...get on over there too!

- out

Changing Gears heh

2005-11-04T12:39:00.000-08:00

I did some more tripp'n around in the blogosphere *heh* and stumbled over this site:

Poop, Paxil, and Pageantry

OMG I love the name, love the site, and hell yeah this woman has Texas flag furniture and decorations right outside her front door!! YAYY!! *laughing*

I know all about poop, and paxil (wellbutrin and a few others of the Army's wonder wife drugs...*LOL*). I'll gladly leave the pageantry up to Katy.. *lol*

Glad to have found your site and I've definitely added ya. Will be going back for seconds..and thirds...

Katy actually made me miss being a SAHM for like 2.2 seconds....*GASP*

*heh* Seriously, I miss it, just as much as I miss military housing life...I know..it's crazy...I'm crazy...I've flipped...I think...*lol*

- out

Close to home/Old Guard

2005-11-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

I love the blogosphere. It gives you the opportunity to stumble across some very interesting people and their thoughts on things. Today has been golden where stumbling across great "finds" are in abundance.

First I brought Pam to the posts, and now I'd like to introduce Steve at Old Guard.

I'd like to tell ya that I've been a regular reader of Steve's for some time, but I can't. Perhaps in the very near future that will be likely. I sure hope so.

The reason I'm bringing him to the forefront this morning is because I read his first post and something within struck me so deep and so familiar it was like looking into the deep well of my own soldier's heart.

Steve said:

Why the hell would anyone want to volunteer to go to Iraq? Well, if you have to ask that question, maybe you shouldn’t be reading this Blog anyway. Every man, well maybe not EVERY man, asks himself the question How would I react in combat?” Would I shit my pants? Would I puke at the site of a dead body? Could I pull the trigger when the time came? Well I want to find out the answers to these questions for myself. That and the fact that being an American and a soldier, I feel it’s my duty to go. Besides I feel guilty sitting here while others are returning for a second and third tour.

I can thoroughly relate to his words here. I too know that feeling of guilt as I sit here, day after day, safely reading about what is going on over there. I go home and I see my husband trying to deal with the nightmares and the disabilities, the realities of Iraq that are now his life, and I think - who are you to sit here and enjoy all that you have without having paid your price for it all?

Hubby and I have talked at length about me going. The outcome is always the same. Hubby says he hangs onto sanity by a thread daily as it is. He said he knows he would lose what sanity he has left, if he had to sit here day after day, (if I deployed), knowing what I'd be doing and going through. He said he went so that I would never have to. We understand each other too well. He'll keep his sanity, and I'll keep my guilt about not going. After all, he did pay a high price.

I just feel it is my duty as an American and as a soldier to go. I don't feel it is fair to watch these brave men and women in our military having to go back to Iraq/Afghanistan (or where ever for that matter) 2/3/4-infinite times without some relief, and without their families having some relief. Just as Steve says in his post, I don't expect anyone to understand why I feel this way. It's just who I am.

I know that I'm a woman and to some it may seem odd to hear a woman say such things. But let me let you in on a little secret. A person with a soldier's heart is just that - a soldier - regardless of gender. I am a woman but I have a deep rooted sense of duty and was raised on patriotism. I know the feeling of wanting to be there to not only protect my brothers/sisters in the military but to defend this way of life I was blessed to have been born to in the US. As long as my heart beats it will crave to wear the uniform, and to be a part of something bigger than I am.

I understand Steve, and good luck on your endeavors.

- out

Pam's Journal of Hurricane Wilma

2005-11-04T09:23:00.000-08:00

Having grown up in North Central Texas and later Central Texas, I have not had the personal experience of a hurricane or its aftermath, only the tornadoes so famous for ripping up the Texas soil each year. This year as Rita slammed into Houston and the Texas coast I was safely tucked away in my new home here in the mountains of WV. Still I have yet to experience it firsthand, albeit thankful that I have not had to.

I stumbled across Pam’s blog and her journal of her days after Wilma before the power was restored. I thoroughly enjoyed reading Pams’ writing because she puts you right there with her. You can hear the Parrot’s flying and talking haphazard and even see the curtains swirling in the breeze. It is well worth the read, especially if you’ve never been through a hurricane or the aftermath of one before.

Nice to meet and read you Pam. Glad to hear that you are safe, sound, and with power once more. :)

-- out

Fox News Interviews w/ American Soldier and Blackfive

2005-11-03T14:11:00.000-08:00

I had already fixed up this post only for Blogger to dump it for me. So here goes again. After reading both guys sites on this, all I have to say is Amen! I'm so thankful there are people like American Soldier and Blackfive who say what I think. Let's just hope that the media puts it out there as it was said. :)

American Soldier said:

What the senate should be focusing on is where we are at right now. All the strides, leaps and bounds of where we have brought Iraq to now. Who gives a crap if we didn’t find WMD’s or Yellow Cake? Part of the case for war was the fact that we were going to free Iraqi’s of oppression and you dam well better believe we did that. We have empowered the Iraqi’s to a point where they are writing their own constitution, they are mending their country, they are progressing. We are serving a purpose and that is the important thing. A city councilman wrote to me the other day and in a response about how I feel when a person asks me about why we are in Iraq, he said this. “Why are we in Iraq, they had nothing to do with 9/11″, my reply is: “Why did we fight Hitler in WW2? He had nothing to do with Pearl Harbor.”

click over for the rest...

Blackfive said:

About ten times I said something like, "If those politicians actually gave a flying @#$% about the troops they would have pulled a @#$%ing closed door @#$%ing session two years ago to get them kevlar, equipment, pay, support in combat and the hospitals and in the VA."

Everyone, including the Democrats and Republicans, the Clinton and Bush Administration, and the freaking UN, thought that there was WMD. The Iraqis were sending our troops to find it during the invasion.

click over for the rest...

if you aren't reading these guys...you should be!

-out

Publishing at Blogger

2005-11-03T12:01:00.000-08:00

Your files have published successfully.

Files published 100%

YEAH RIGHT! I'm only gonna complain about this once and then....shuuuushh...

silence...

I dislike that when I actually find the time to post, it may be tomorrow before my post from today will publish. Even though blogger says published successfully. Soooo...if there are typo's or half baked semi coherent posts lingering on my blog...trust me when I say I've seen'em and I'm trying to update with corrections..but Blogger...just slows me down...

*heh*

*grumble grumble*

- out

Project Valour-IT

2005-11-03T11:02:00.000-08:00

If you are looking around the milblogosphere this morning you are probably reading about this project every where. Sgt. Hook, Some Soldier's Mom and Blackfive all have posts up giving info.

As Some Soldiers' Mom said, communication is the dire need of all loved ones when their Soldier/Sailor/Airman/Marine is wounded or injured. Being able to hear the voice of their wife, husband, mom, dad, children, or best friend can so greatly improve the morale of a wounded service member, and in a lot of cases, save their lives. As the wife of a wounded/disabled Soldier I'm here to do my part..so please take a few minutes to read and then if your heart so desires...give. :)

cut/pasted from Some Soldier's Mom

OK, It's GRUNTS v. JARHEADS V. SQUIDS v. ZOOMIES! Let's get to it! There's a friendly inter-service challenge going on from November 2 through Veterans Day, November 11 to raise money for this most worthwhile and noble project:
Project Valour-IT (Voice-Activated Laptops for OUR Injured Troops)

Project Valour-IT, in memory of SFC William V. Ziegenfuss, provides voice-controlled software and laptop computers to wounded Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines recovering from hand and arm injuries or amputations at major military medical centers. Operating laptops by speaking into a microphone, our wounded heroes are able to send and receive messages from friends and loved ones, surf the 'Net, and communicate with buddies still in the field without having to press a key or move a mouse. The experience of CPT Charles "Chuck" Ziegenfuss, a partner in the project who suffered hand wounds while serving in Iraq, illustrates how important this voice-controlled software can be to a wounded servicemember's recovery.

You're sitting there reading this... and you got here by typing... LOOK AT YOUR HANDS...

As Capt. Z said himself, "At that time I had no use of either hand. I know how humbling it is, how humiliating it feels. And I know how much better I felt, how amazingly more functional I felt, after Soldiers' Angels provided me with a laptop and a loyal reader provided me with the software. I can't wait to do the same, to give that feeling to another soldier at Walter Reed."

So go read all the details at Blackfive... AND THEN DONATE:

To credit your donation to the Army, march on over to BLACKFIVE
To credit your donation to the Marines, steal your way over at Holly Aho's
To credit your donation to the Air Force, fly on over to The Mudville Gazette
To credit your donation to the Navy, swim on over to Mrs. Smash

Donors may also send in donations to:

Soldiers Angels
Valour-IT Fund
1792 East Washington Blvd.
Pasadena, CA 91104

Donations sent in the mail should be sent early on as they must be received by Nov 11 to count towards the contest. Include your team name (ARMY, NAVY, etc.) with the donation so that your team receives credit for it.

If you have read this site, you know the heartache and worry that military families endure while their service members are deployed... and you know how imperative communication between the soldier and his/her family is... So I ask you to whole-heartedly and completely endorse this incredible project that assists our wounded soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines ... Help them reconnect with the world using technology. Give a donation in your name, your grandfather's name, your Dad's, your brother's, sister's, friend's... or just because you are glad that there are others out there willing to serve to protect you and yours!

Note: The money raised during this little contest will be used to acquire this technology for wounded service members regardless of their branch of service -- the competition is just to see which branch can raise the most money!

It's a tax-deductible donation and eligible for matching funds from companies who do that sort of thing (see: http://soldiersangels.org/valour/irsinfo.html for proof for the cautious).

And finally, every donor during this time will receive a Soldiers' Angels Coin.
Attn. Bloggers: Join Us! You don't have to be a milblogger, either -- just spread the word -- copy and paste from here or Blackfive's site... Anything to spread the word!!!

Update

2005-11-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Life has really thrown us a curve. *sigh* Hubby has had high blood pressure for a couple of years now, but it took a turn for the worse on Tuesday morning. We took him to the VA for his primary care appt and the doc found a blockage in the left ventricle of his heart. They think it is a blood clot and we are waiting to hear from a cardiologist in Salem or Richmond. Hopefully by the end of tomorrow we'll have heard something.

When hubby medically retired from the Army in May he weighed out at 191lbs. As of Tuesday he is at 156lbs. a total 35 pound loss. The docs always make a "note" of it but they aren't as concerned as I am. I'm scared. I'm watching the love of my life literally whittle away.

Today is my first day back at work since Monday and I have to say I hate being here. I used to love coming to work, but now I'm afraid to be away from hubby for more than 5 minutes. He is my life, and I don't know what I would do or how I would go on if I lost him. I hate to think thoughts like this, but I can't help it. We've way passed the safe area of "let's not think about stuff like that" where his health is concerned. I wish his VA compensation direct deposits would start. Then at least if I had to be home I could be without worrying how the bills are going to get paid. I'd rather be there knowing with my own eyes that he is safe and sound than here at work, worrying like crazy.

I have a lot of catching up to do here at work today. But I'll try and get back and write more in a bit.

- out

Long day

2005-10-28T15:24:00.000-07:00

It has been an extremely long day and even though it's 3:13pm it still feels like forever until 4:30pm!

Hubby has not called me back yet to tell me what is going on or happened with getting the ex-assbat's latest dumbass stunt stopped. For those who don't know what I'm talking about please read Another Assbat below for particulars.

I cannot believe this woman keeps pulling crap like this. What is even more astounding is that so far it "looks" like she is getting away with it. I say "looks" because hubby and his atty were supposed to be going before the judge this afternoon to let him know what the ex-assbat's latest escapade has been, and see what he is going to do to limit her stupidity in our life. I wish I had more faith in the legal system than I do, but I don't. So I'm not really looking for anything wonderful to happen in our favor. *sigh*

I had written out this big ole long paragraph or 5 here going on about her and the things she has done and the stupidity we have lived with. But yanno what? It's just wasted energy....so on that note...

I'm ready for 4:30pm and a Bud light...

see ya Monday folks - have a Happy and Safe Halloween :)

- out

Another Assbat...

2005-10-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

okay - now it's time to b*tch about hubby's ex. *grrrr*

This woman has seriously gone daft, and made my A-numero-uno assbat sh*t list!

While hubby was deployed to Iraq, the great state of WV decided to award the ex-assbat alimony because he was not going to have "bills" while he was off securing the world. WTF-over? Because we weren't married then, he didn't have bills? HELLOOO McFly I had to make his 550.00 bux a month truck payment! WTF was that if ain't a bill? *grrrrR*

Once hubby was medically retired from the Army his atty put in for an emergency hearing to have the alimony terminated and the child support reduced. At that point the ex-assbat was making triple per month what hubby was and is currently. She and her atty found loop-hole after loop-hole to stall the hearing so that she could draw as much money as she could. FINALLY, they get in before the judge who levels a hammer on the ex-assbat and tells her she does not deserve hubby's money. And basically tells her she should be shamed for raping over a disabled combat veteran like she was trying to do. The judge put in a court order for the alimony to stop, the child support to be adjusted to hubby's income and for the ex-assbat to repay the alimony she received when hubby was medically retired and his income substantially declined.

We submitted the paperwork from the child support agency saying he no longer was to pay the alimony, or anything in arrears (anything that might have been back owed) and to adjust his child support accordingly. Come the 1st we were supposed to get a check that would reflect these changes.

The ex-assbat and her atty have since this morning resubmitted paperwork to DFAS behind our back and the court to have the alimony and child support re-instated saying that it was not to go in effect until the final custody hearing date of Nov 9th. Hello! we have a court order in hand affective Sept 28th! But DFAS has already readjusted his pay and come Monday that stupid b*tch will get more than 600 bux she is NOT entitled to. Hubby is now on his way to his atty and the child support agency to stop her from collecting that money since DFAS has already cut it from his pay!

assbats....man.....i'm getting madder by the minute and it ain't even 5pm yet...

but it's 5 o'clock somewhere...by Gawd!!!

somebody, anybody, wanna come with me and relieve some stress and rearrange an assbat with a good ole texas ass whoop'n?

gimme a holler!

- out

I gotta say this...

2005-10-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

this post should probably be private, but yanno.. I just don't care. There are parents out in this world who are real assbats and honestly I'm sick of them getting away with not being seen in their true light.

Case in point - my ex-husband -

Okay first off hubby was in Iraq and not one day went by that if he couldn't call and talk to the kids (whom are not *his* kids biologically) he would drop a post card in the mail to them. He let them know each and every day that he was thinking of them and not just their Mom. He sent them boxes with cool stuff from Iraq like coins, pictures, little trinkets, etc. And no he did not sit on the FOB every day with butt loads of nothing but time on his hands. He was on a gun truck, manning a 50.cal, riding and escorting convoys, and hardly had any "time off" to speak of. But they knew they were loved and missed by him because he found a few minutes here and there to let them know.

What has their own Dad sent or done? Nothing. He's been in Iraq since Jan. 05 and has only called them once. He has never sent them a letter, a postcard, a card, a picture, nothing. His new wife (the girlfriend he cheated on me with and upgraded her position in his life when I wouldn't take him back and divorced his butt) sent birthday gifts for Kat and Brick. Granted Brick's bday is in April but he finally got his presents in Sept in time for Kat's bday. Of course everything in the boxes said happy bday love Dad and E. But nothing was actually from Dad, nothing had his handwriting on it.

Gawd he makes me so mad!

He just had a new baby girl on Sept 13th. I know he has the time to get on yahoo to see her on the digital cam because every day for a few hours his IM is lit up and so is the wife's. But he can't take 5 minutes to drop a .49 cent card in the FREE mail to his own children to say hey..i'm thinking of you, i love and miss you...Dad. Nope...that would be asking too much...

The kids have tons of pics of hubby with the camels, with his humvee, with his buddies, all over Iraq, and do they have one pic of their real Dad in the sand? or hell in the states for that matter? nope..not one. the most recent pics of him they have were the ones I took before I booted him out of my life in '03.

did I mention he came back to the states on R&R back in july and didn't call his children to let them know he was safe or back? or that he got married??? nope..not a word.

Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky and blessed the kiddos are to have hubby in their life. To have a man who is not their biological father who loves them as if they are his own is the best thing that could have happened to them. BUT, to have gone through the scariness of hubby's deployment, the nightmares and the tears and the fear that he would not come home, and then going through him being wounded and being disabled, to now their own biological Dad being over there is a lot on a little kid. And then Dad won't even take 5 mins out of his life to let those same kids know that he is safe for f*cks' sake. He knows everything they have been through and yet...still...not one damn word. ARGGGHHHH!!!

but he can find the time to oohhhh and ahhhh over a 1 month old who has no clue who's she's looking at or what's going on.....

assbats man....i tell ya......

*grumble*

- out

Xman's Wife

2005-10-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

*chuckle*

okay -- if you are not reading Becky you are truly missing out. this gal is a trip and i do mean pack your bags cuz you are going for a ride when you read her site. *heh*

she is an army wife missing her soldier while he is over protecting the big sandbox. give her some love, go read her site and lend your support. she's also a texan, which makes her golden in my book. *heh* when i'm reading her i dont miss home so much. gotta love people like that. ;)

trust me...she's worth the click over. ;)

much love and hugs~

- out

Answered prayers...

2005-10-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

I honestly believe in prayers. I have for a very long time in my life but not near as much as when hubby went to Iraq. God and I got to be pretty close buddies during that time and He knows that I believe Him and His promises to me and every other Christian who believes, not just in Him.

Usually I wouldn't get into this because I am not about to get into a debate about my personal beliefs. I mean come on, they are my beliefs so I'm not about to fight with anyone about them. But, this is important to me to share, so here goes:

I have kept a prayer journal since hubby left for Iraq. It was a way of journaling my fears, anxieties, and hopes, along with having a good heart to heart with God. Writing my prayers is an awesome experience because the minute my pen touches the paper I'm off and running talking to God about things that maybe I haven't had at the forefront of my mind to pray about. Praying about things and people who are important to me, whom I love and care for, who are on my mind. It gives me the opportunity to really say what is in my heart to say to God without worrying that I have left someone or something out. I date my entries because after a few days I'll go back and reread my prayers and make a mental list of those prayers answered. As my Pastor says, this is a sure fire way of teaching yourself and your children about faith. All the proof you need that God listens and hears your prayers is by going back and seeing just where, when and how He answered them.

Speaking of which:

On Oct 17th, I wrote a prayer for hubby, praying that God's will be done with his VA compensation claim and that if it were God's will that we would know something by November 1st. I prayed that if it were God's will hubby would get a disability rating of 75% or more and that we would start receiving his monthly benefits by November 1st. I also prayed for job security for me because this position I hold could very easily be deleted mid November and I'm the sole income for our family. He is getting retirement pay from the Army, but its not even half of what his base in the Army was.

This prayer was answered on the 25th. Hubby got a call from the VA rep in the next town over telling him to get to his office he had some papers that needed to be signed. Hubby got over there and then found out that the VA had made a decision on his disability rating (just the day before hubby had called the VA and they said they had not gotten updates on his claim and it could be another 30 days before we would hear anything.) and he was required to accept or decline it and send back the answer via fax by 5pm that day. Let's just say that the rating is more than I prayed for. All of the weight that has been sitting on hubby's shoulders about how to take care of his family if he can't work has been lifted. Of course he accepted and faxed back all necessary paperwork. Now we are waiting for the back pay check and for the monthly direct deposits to start. As far as answering the prayer about my job? Let's also say this, the rating is enough that I no longer will have to worry about working unless I just want to. God is awesome!

Of course now it's hurry up and wait. After all, we only traded in the Army for the VA, same animal just a different color. The good thing about all of this is seeing hubby now. His smile is brighter and wider, he walks taller, and stands up straight instead of like he is weighted down. He is more care-free, quick to laugh, and in general - happy.

Yup...

God answers prayers....

- out

Onions & Christmas Trees

2005-10-26T11:11:00.000-07:00

(* I received this joke in my email this morning and couldn't resist putting it here. hope it gives you as many laughs as it did me*)

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit.
After sixty they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible
but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Happy Holidays.....*still laughing*

-- out

Double Vision

2005-10-25T15:13:00.000-07:00

Saturday was a long day for us. All day we heard the radio announcements for our wedding that would take place that night at Double Vision, a bar owned and operated by a fellow Iraq Veteran, and great friend.

I spent the day running errands, finding the sparkly thingies for my hair, and getting a full body massage compliments of my fellow co-workers. The full body massage I recommend to anyone and everyone. Those things are addictive! Though I recommend having one of those after a stressful event, ie: wedding, instead of before. *heh* I got all massaged out, ready for a nap and then had to wake up and get ready for the wedding.

Hubby got dressed early and I took him to the bar while the radio station was still there doing their remote broadcast. The place was plenty busy at that time, but later on when I finally got ready and headed back up there, it was packed! The radio guy did a great job of getting people interested enough in seeing us get hitched in a "beer joint" (as Hubby's grandpa is famous for saying. *heh*) .

About 10:45pm I stepped into a make shift closet and changed into my dress. I wore a spaghetti strap floor length gown in a rose color with a sheer beaded overlay bodice and skirt, and mine and hubby's dogtags. Hubby wore a striped shirt that matched my dress and his wranglers. After all, this was about being us and being with our military family. :)

The "preacher" was Sgt. W, who outdid himself, and was just awesome. We had more fun than could have been imagined and he made the entire event. Without him I doubt it would have been as memorable as it was. He asked hubby if hubby promised to be faithful to me, forsaking all other women, unless I was invited. *LOL* It was a trip but we all enjoyed it and had a great time. Sgt. W is a rare and true diamond that we have been blessed to have in our life.

Sgt.M and his wife, Jen, - oh man what can I say about two people as wonderful as these two? They offered us the use of their bar to get married in because all we were going to do after fighting with hubby's grandmother about "us" was just to go to the courthouse in Princeton and "get it done". It wasn't like there would have been anyone on hubby's side who would have been happy to celebrate our union, *don't get me started on this tangent...some day this will have it's own little blog entry*, and my family are all 1500 miles away. So Jen mentioned to us that we hang out there with the rest of our military family, so why not get married there? It ended up being the best night of our life and we are glad that we went through with it.

Of course the newspaper came out Sunday and the beans got spilled far and wide. *heh* The small article that was to be published in the Life section with the rest of the wedding announcements, ended up being on page 2 and half a page big! There was no way in hell, anyone reading that paper was going to miss our smiling mugs on that page. *heh* Trust me, they didn't either. His grandmother had her headshaking moment like we are a bunch of deliquents *grumbling* and people here at work have been congratulating me all day. Oh well, who cares..it was fun, we are married and we'd do it all over again just to enjoy it one more time. :)

I have pictures but have no way of uploading them. As soon as I can get them on disc, I'll put'em up here.

much love and hugs - and the Army goes rolling along *wink*

- out

Me and Iraq..then/today

2005-10-21T12:52:00.000-07:00

My soldier has been home from Baghdad one year on Halloween, and still Iraq is very personal and heart wrenching for me to hear about or talk about. It's a very weird and deeply emotional feeling to go through. He is here, living, breathing, walking, talking, and lets me hold him every night, but there is so much of him still there buried in the sands of Baghdad and Sadr City.

It doesn't take much to take me back to the days and nights of painful agony that were my life back then. The time where I could not watch the news without obsessing over every CNN article/post and crying my heart out over any number of soldiers/sailors/marines/airmen, etc who were lost to an vied/ied/sniper/ambush, etc. Where going to the commissary or PX meant I had to take the cell phone and the house calls had to be forwarded. Every phone call that came up unknown or long distance number unknown got answered at all times of the day and night, because I never knew when it would be him at a calling center or on satellite phone. Where listening to the radio ripped my heart out because every song I ever sang with him in the truck or danced with him at Wild Country had become our song. Where driving his truck to work or sleeping in his Tshirts were the only ways I could feel him close to me, holding me, and telling me he would come home, not to worry. Days where I would work myself to death, 12-18 hr days at work so I could just survive the long hours of another day without him. Sleepless nights where I literally slept on the edge of consciousness listening for the cell phone to ring because his nights were my very early mornings. Ambushing the mailman looking for another letter, post card, or box that would tell me that he was okay, that he loved me, that he needed me to stay sane as much as I needed him. Hours upon hours of writing 10 page letters at a time and mailing them every single day for 7 months so that he would know that he truly was the love of my life, that I would not go on one day without him, that I would wait for him, and no matter how God sent him home to me I would take care of him.

Then there were the days where the conversation on the phone was another close call outside the wire, and then the close calls that were way too close and left his body battered and in need of coming home. I still can't talk about this because its still too much to feel, to remember, and it's been more than a year since he was wounded for the last time there.

(*After reading over this again once I was done I realized that I needed to say a bit more about hubby and Iraq. Hubby suffers from PTSD along with his other disabilities and it has been a long hard road to find ourselves where we are today. Iraq not only almost took him from me in this life, but after coming home almost took him from me a second time mentally. The most I can say about this right now is that our men and women see and do more than the human mind was designed for in wartime. Those images, sounds, smells, nightmares, and a lot of times a lot of guilt, stay with them forever. Time might fade some of them a small bit but they are forever engraved in the minds and the hearts of these brave men and women who come home to try and live after surviving through life and death on a minute by minute basis. I'm grateful to be able to say that we are now stronger and closer than ever. Iraq will never tear us a part again. But it will always be a scar on my heart and his that time will never erase. He is home, and we made it through. Thank God. *)

My soldier will always take a breath that is mixed with Iraqi sand. It is a part of him that will never die or fade, just as it will never die or fade for me. Every hug, every smile, every breath he takes is a sweet homecoming, but there is a part of me that will always grieve for the parts of my soldier that are still buried in the sands of Baghdad and will never come home again.

He went, He fought, He gave, He paid a price, and would gladly go back and do it all again just to be back with his brothers.

He is medically retired now, but he will always be my soldier....

my hero...

--out

The Waiting

2005-10-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

Even though hubby has been back from Iraq one year on Halloween, a picture, an article, a song, or a post by someone can take me back to those days when he was deployed in a heartbeat. Its as if I'm right back there, holding my breath waiting for the phone to ring, the messenger to go off, to hear his voice and KNOW for however long he was talking to me that he was safe right then. I don't think I will ever get over that, or get to a time where the feelings of being right back there will ever lessen.

I was reading over at Some Soldier's Mom and this post hit me hard. It took me right back to the days and nights of my own fear, my own pain, my own prayers of Dear God please let the phone ring, let there be an email, anything to let me know that he is safe.

For those who have never gone through a combat deployment and can't understand this fear, this need that those of us who have gone through it have..here is a glimpse. Thank you Some Soldier's Mom for putting it in words that I doubt I could have come up with.

"Each hour that we didn’t hear -- whether the instant messenger was silent or the phone didn’t ring – one drip from a faucet into a million gallon bucket – not fast enough, not soon enough, not often enough. It’s a bucket that can never be filled. And we suffer these terrible addiction-like responses, too – you crave and demand and NEED to hear from your soldier. And when you hear that voice or get the beep or moooo, you get butterflies in your stomach and your heart soars – and the adrenalin rush is second to none and you sometimes actually give a “whoohoo” right out loud. You feverishly talk or feverishly listen -- whichever mode your soldier is in – afraid they will have to sign off or hang up before you are ready (and you’re never ready.) Hearing from them means they are ok, they’re safe and the reports of injured soldiers or worse can not be your soldier, your Marine, your son, daughter, your spouse. Then open the drain on that bucket and the slow drip begins again as the wait begins anew… and the ache returns until you hear the ring, the beep, the boop, the mooo. It's a vicious cycle that wears on you, but one you accept if grudgingly. " (read the rest here....)

Dear Heavenly Father, please watch over and safeguard our troops where ever they are today/tonight. Bring them strength, courage, and comfort in their difficult moments. Lay Your hand upon their shoulders that they may know they are not alone. Lord God we pray for the swift and safe return of all of our service members to their families. For those whom You have and will call home we pray that they are/will be with You in Heaven. Lord God we pray for the loved ones left behind, please give them strength, courage and comfort that their loved one is with You in Your arms watching over them now from Heaven. Lord God we pray that You would meet each and every need, and forgive each and every sin. In Your Son's precious name, we pray....
Amen

--out

Did you say "shiver" or "quiver"?

2005-10-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

The best thing about my husband is that he loves me being me. Doesn't matter if I'm being a fru-fru girl with my nails done, a domestic goddess in sweats and carrying cleaning supplies, or now the wife who is obsessed with shooting a bow and practices every day after work. *heh*

Before I met my husband I doubt I would ever have tried half of the things that I've always wanted to try or do. Well, to be honest, I know I would not have because my ex-husband was pretty good at downing most things I did or tried. I was too afraid of trying anything out of fear of being laughed at or criticized harshly. But now I don't even think of anything like that. If there is something I want to do or try, I do it, I try it, and I enjoy the moment. It's a great feeling and I love sharing it all with hubby.

My oldest boy, Z, will be 13 at the end of November and hubby gave Z his own first adult bow. Z is really proud to have it, it means a lot to him. This kid is great at shooting. Every day after school and work we both get out there with his bow, (I use the kiddo's bow because hubby's is too much for me to pull back), and we take turns shooting the target. It has been great for de-stressing at the end of the day and it gives me and the kiddo quality time to bond and enjoy something together.

The best compliment I've ever gotten from my boys, (I have two, Z who is 12 1/2, and C who is 11, who shoots and has a bow too), was "You are such a cool Mom because you are not a girl." At first I didn't know how to take that, and then it was explained to me. My boys love the fact that I get outside with them and I get interested in the things they are interested in. Whether it's football with Z, playing catch with a baseball with C, or shooting the bow talking about hunting both bow and rifle, and I don't mind getting dirty to be with them.

The greatest thing behind all of this is my daughter, K, age 8, who is just like me. She has her own bow and when she doesn't get her name on the board at school, she gets to shoot. Talk about some powerful incentive! She's been good a record turn of days this time around! *heh*

K and I talk about being Tomboys all the time. I want her to know that she doesn't have to be defined by a label. That she can be as multifaceted as a diamond and enjoy life without trying to fit herself into one particular mold. Same goes for the boys. I think it not only gives them a chance to branch out and explore their personalities, likes and dislikes, but I think it makes them more acceptable of each other and other people. It gives them the opportunity to love everything about themselves before they get to the age of worrying about other people loving them.

I want all of them to find their interests and get involved now so that they will each have a solid foundation in who they are and then maybe they won't be so apt to allow a relationship to take those interests from them or change them in such a way that they don't know who they are. I want them to learn to explore and to reach out and embrace the unknown about themselves and life so that maybe as adults they won't be afraid to continue to explore and embrace themselves.

It took me 31 years to find the confidence to be all of me, and the last two years accepting and loving who that "me" really is. I want my kids to have that kind of confidence in themselves and love themselves from the get go.

Besides you never know how good you are at anything if you don't try first.....I got a bulls eye last night at 40 yards out....YAY MOM! Z was WAY excited and loves to brag about me.

gotta love a kid who thinks you are cool! ;)

Hubby is bowhunting today, and already I wish I were with him. I miss him so much when we are apart. I hope he gets a big one. ;)

Stay safe love, see ya at home honey!

--out

ATV's Anyone?

2005-10-20T14:52:00.000-07:00

One thing I have had to get used to living here in WV is the amount of ATV traffic on the road in front of my house. *heh*

We live smack dab in the middle of two big mountains in a pretty narrow hollow (pronounced "holler" even if yer from WV). I mean the first mountain is 25 yards from my front door, which is actually the back of the house from the road, and the back which is the front (confused yet? lol) is another mountain 75 yards away. It's a pretty tight little hollow. Right across the street from the house is a very small Ma and Pa kind of grocery store. This place is no wider or longer than a single wide trailer but it's got prob'ly the same amount of stuff in it Walmart does. It is the only "store" within 5-8 miles of the house, give or take the direction in which you travel away from our house.

It is not an unusual sound to hear 4 wheelers and ATV's of every type, model, color, and modification you can think of (even deer strapped to'em) come roaring down the road, at all hours of the day and night, to stop in and grab a few necessities (translate to BEER) at the store. If you can get a car in that parking lot, I'll give you 2 bux! *heh*

Saturday and Sunday mornings are a real treat. No matter what time of the year it is you can always find a steady line of traffic extending from my house all the way to the beginning of our road 3 miles out. Every vehicle in line is a truck of some kind with a low boy trailer loaded to the hilt with as many ATV's as one person can put on one of those things without having one hanging off and dragging the ground. It looks like a party line every weekend. If you need to go the direction in which they are going, you better have an ATV strapped to your car or they won't let you in. It's the good ole boy system after all!

It took me a few weekends to get used to this parade, but it's perty dang cool. *heh* I don't have to leave my house to shop for the newest and latest in ATV's.

I love be'n country ;)

--out

perty dang cool

2005-10-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I have now been officially married for 9 days, but we are having the wedding this Saturday night, Oct 22nd, at Double Vision. This is a bar in Bluewell, WV and is owned by an Iraqi Vet and his wife, who is perty dang cool too, even if she ain't from Texas. *heh* These two people have become pretty close to us.

It's been hard trying to adjust to civilian life after you've been Army every day for so long. Hubby was in for 4 yrs, 2001-2005, when he was medically retired after Iraq. I'm prior service Army, was an Army wife for 12 yrs, an Army girlfriend for 2, and now Army wife again. So as you can see, this adjusting to civilian life is just not as easy as it looks.

The owners of the bar are great and military to boot. Sgt. M's unit was in Iraq the same time as hubby's, though they didn't meet there. It's funny how they were both on the far side of the world going through that hell at the same time, but only met once we moved here to WV. Even the "minister" (Sgt. W) is an Iraqi Vet, too. Perty dang cool. ;)

I'm getting real excited about this ceremony. Last week hubby and I went over to the court house and got hitched in front of the judge. It was a real quick, better-make-sure-this-thing-is-legal kind of thing. So Sgt.M's wife got the idea to throw us a wedding in her bar, complete with radio advertisement and write up in the newspaper. It is truly a once in a lifetime kind of deal and I'm so thankful that we have a friend like her who would want to do this for us. Gotta love military folk! :)

Last night hubby and I had our picture taken and info taken for the paper. Now it's starting to feel real, like oh-my-gawd this is really gonna go down this way. *lol* It's going to be a blast, I can't wait for Saturday to get here.

I get to marry my best friend a second time and all in 2 weeks. Life can't get much better than this....

well.....it could...but only if it were happening in Texas ;)

--out

In the beginnin'.......

2005-10-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

.......there was a Texas woman who fell madly deeply in love with a soldier from West Virginia. He loved her and her kids and cherished them with all of his heart. When he deployed to Iraq she thought she would lose her mind and her heart felt ripped in two. But they both endured, even after he was wounded and sent home to be medically retired from the Army.

Now these two are married and have sinced exchanged the crazy nomadic military lifestyle at Ft. Hood, Texas for a settled fully-fertilized with family drama (bullsh*t for you realistic types. *heh*) civilian kind of life in the mountains of West Virginia.

She thinks West Virginia is beautiful and has no problem living here, but she misses Texas, cuz no place is even close to home.

especially when you're a Texan ;)

This is their story.....